The Late, Late Show featuring...ME.

So I have this new habit...not sleeping. I would have rather picked up a nasty crack habit or a permanent cold sore than this particular habit...but it's been hanging out. I don't function well on less than...oh, we'll say 6-8 hours of sleep. I'm trying to be calm about it...I'll sleep when I need to. Then organic...childbearing years, my body is MADE to miss out on sleep right now. Then humorous...which is where this post was born. Laughing with my mom about what exactly is keeping me awake. Mind you I am employed, childless, unmarried but in a sickeningly healthy and wonderful relationship, and living with my mom at very low rent for the time being. Yes - things will be changing soon...but my brain seems to lack the understanding that it does not need to be figured out between 10p and 5am on any particular night....So here's an excerpt of the main event (i.e. the conversation between me, myself and I) recently. Hopefully some people (and by people I mean neurotic, probably-female, overanalytical freaks like myself) will identify or at the very least find entertainment in this...

"Hey there me, what's up? It's dark in here, but that light on the cable box is sure bright...do you think it keeps us up? Nah, it's been there for a while...well, maybe we should google it- mental note: google 'little bright green lights and their affects on sleep' tomorrow...wait, tomorrow, what's planned for tomorrow? Nothing. That doesn't sound right- wait yes, nothing. Well shit, I better enjoy it- a couple more years and I'll never have a milisecond of free time again...what am I gonna do when I have kids? What if I never sleep again once I do? What if I never have a free second? How do you poop? Will I leave the burner on? God! I am going to burn my children alive!! Maybe I should rethink parenting...but stupid people parent all the time. Damn IT, why couldn't I just be stupid?! Mental note- google those stoves that get cold the second you take the pot off tomorrow....SHIT! How am I going to afford one of those? Wait, we need a house first...that bank is LYING that we can afford a mortgage, why would they do that? So stupid! Bet they would make great parents! Wait, we need to go to Hawaii before we become parents...I HATE flying, how are we going to afford Hawaii? Wait...first we need to get married, how will we afford that?! How will I fit into a dress?! Who cares, I can't afford a dress anyways...ooh, good thing "Say Yes to the Dress" is on this late...How late is it in Hawaii? Could we just fly my wedding dress over there? Why aren't I sleeping? Ok, no problem, clock says it's just 2am. God! I hate that clock...it's ugly, I'll change it when we move...fresh start. Unless the place we find has a mold problem, do you KNOW how much that could cost?! Wait. No. I have no idea...mental note: Google the cost of fixing a mold problem. Man, this is going to be COSTLY - I don't have the money for a mold problem! Wait...I don't have the HOUSE for a mold problem. Go to SLEEP! Or don't, shit...you probably would be better not going to sleep at all...wow, you need to do some yoga...lets google yoga classes tomorrow..."

That, by the way, is the excerpt from about 2:03:35am to 2:04:27am.

Random Thought of October 21, 2009

I really hope I don't die like Elvis.


However...(because it's impossible for me to just let a useless thought go) IF I did...I would PREFER that I went backwards instead of forward. If I were to go forward, there are so many possible unattractive things that my discoverer may see. Perhaps I would be hunched so as to make my tummy role up like a half deflated air matress and my chin population double. Perhaps I would fall completely forward, leaving my hiney hole presenting as the top and therefore most prominent feature. Backwards I would just look relaxed and reclined as if I was sleeping...with my tummy extended and flattened.

Then there's the lighting...flourescent lighting does NOTHING for me. Especially if my pants are around my ankles exposing my palest of parts. No. Thank. You. Maybe I'll start "using the facilities" in the dark, just to be on the safe side?

So there you have it...the thought process that occured in my little nogin during my last break at work.

Ode to Vinegar

One can easily google "uses for vinegar" and get numerous pages that give you 100 or 1000 or maybe more uses for vinegar. I am a HUGE fan - it's got so many uses and is much safer than it's chemical alternatives. There are a lot of things I haven't tried - like curing my hiccups (I don't get hiccups much), relieving my arthritis (I have none to relieve), or cleaning my milking equipment (no lactating bovines or women in my house). My roomate (otherwise known as MOM) detests the smell due to a barf-fest following a day of easter egg dying in her childhood - but she puts up with (and has even adopted) some of my favorite uses. Below is just one girl's celebration of this miracle liquid...

Bacteria, fungus, oil and mold-
You're a household secret so I'm told

Brighter, softer, cheaper laundry
Cuts the pee from a naughty pup.
Add some lemon for a better bleach,
Your smell disappears when it's all dried up.

Freshens fabric, carpet, and air -
Earth's own natural febreeze,
hiccups you are rumored the cure
all of these with the greatest of ease.

multipurpose like nothing you've seen
Glass, chrome, wood, and brick.
fresh coffee and tea pots
You can always do the trick.

Blush brushes, tooth brushes,
I use you as a reliable soak
You even help the human race's skin
for fruit stained or onion cutting folk.

And your apple cider friend,
to be completely fair -
can calm my tummy in a tea
or strip the yuckies from my hair.

So Vinegar, I thank you -
you're a tried and true aide.
and for 2 gallons of your help
$3 is all I paid:)


Ok, so I'm not a poet, but I really do love finding new uses for vinegar - almost every one I find removes another unidentifiable/unpronouncable chemical from my life.

Do the Jane Fonda

Not that you could tell from how fat America is - but exercise options are abound right now. Every week a new exercise fad comes to light as the exercise that WILL work. There's pilates (I bought the Windsor series...can't even find it now) which is gauranteed to change your life. Tae Bo and Cardio Kickboxing where replaced with Zumba and Hot Yoga. And, being the sucker that I am...I've tried them all...and each has it's benefits, burns calories, decreases stress, etc. But lately, I have gone retro in the exercise department and I'm loving it. First of all, I went back to the tried and true running. I stopped in college after an injury and must admit, it's hard on the body, but if you are smart about it and don't push your limits too much, it is one of the best energy/weightloss/sleep-aid/antidepressants I have ever encountered.
However, unlike a classic like running - I've recently added in Jazzercise as well. Yes, Jazzercise (which took me a while to even start admitting outloud). But, a little over a month into going twice a week, I am loving it. Except for slightly updated songs and outfits (on MOST of the patrons), it is the same Jane Fonda-looking, peppy dance routine activity that I recall my mom doing in my childhood. The age range in the classes is suprisingly diverse, and the workout incorprates high and low intensity cardio, stretching, and sculpting. Following routines and dancing around makes the time pass - and in 60 minutes I burn about 500 calories. I am more than a little tempted to build a retro workout wardrobe of sweatbands and leotards, but I have resisted so far. In my opinion just going, then working up to this admission is an accomplishment. That said, last night on Dancing with the Stars, Cheryl Burkes officially endorsed the Jazzercise program - so no need to hide those leg warmers anymore!

Complex Story of a Simple Soap

So if you have attemted to kick-off a journey to reduce toxins or become "green," you have undoubtedly heard the name "Dr. Bronner." Dr. Bronner is arguably the most recognized name in castile soap, namely Dr. Bronners 18-in-1 Magic Pure Castile Soap. This soap comes in anything from a bar to a vat of sorts, and in most mainstream stores is available only in Peppermint, for some reason that escapes me. It is marketed as everything from a concentrated shampoo, body soap, dish liquid, tooth paste, fruit wash, etc. It is also covered with a seemingly endless rant of religious and spiritual ideas in no particular organized fashion. I'm going to go ahead and give my official rating as great, but not magic.
First, this extremely reasonably priced (about $8 for 32 ounces) soap is often sold only in peppermint, although it is available online or in specialty stores in lavendar, unscented, almond and eucalyptus. I'm not a fan of the peppermint since I use it mainly as body soap and I don't like that cold feeling peppermint gives. As a body soap it's effective, as a shampoo it turned my hair into straw. It's a good addition to homemade household cleaners, but suds up a lot, so less is better. However, this does come in handy when using it to shave. I prefer the lavendar, but the almond has a good scent also.
I was originally concerned after I grabbed the bottle as reading material and made it a few lines into the relgious rambling, that perhaps the company behind this soap could be contributing to christian based causes and organizations, most of which support causes with which I take issue. However, after more research, this doesn't seem to be the case. Even the religious ramblings are diversified through the faiths.
The most interesting thing I found was that this Dr. Bronner fella has a VERY interesting story. He is from Nazi Germany, emigrated without his family to the U.S., spent time in a psych ward for his beliefs before starting his soap company, and has endorsed the use of vaseline and lemon juice as birth control. His story is truely an interesting read - and possible endeared the soap to me a little more.
So, in as much as this is an incomplete review, since my uses are limited...this soap is effective as a soap and cleaning agent, without charging the inflated prices of some of the more "gimmicky" eco-friendly soaps. It also lathers up well on a washcloth or sea sponge. One note, it does not leave behind a slimey "moisturized" feeling, so if you feel dry, a little grapeseed oil after the shower with solve it.

Hormones, Cash, and Greehouse Gas

Ok, I'm back from a too-long hiatus from spewing my opionions and ideas for...well, possibly no one. But now I'm back, in my 30's, and as useless-idea ridden as ever...
So speaking of my 30's, as they crept up, so did a renewed urge to "clean things up." (and suprisingly, I'm not referring to my obsession with the organizational process) I've done a lot of research, albeit casual, on the eco-friendly/organic/sustainable lifestyle. I find a lot of information, interesting at the least, compelling at best; and even the habits I honestly am not willing to commit to at this point, are very interesting. That said, I continue to have trouble finding easy, cost efficient, readily available products that meet standards in areas such as (1)maintaining basic hygiene, (2)not reaking of patchouli- btw, is that stuff derived directly from B.O. or what?!, and (3)allowing me to keep a certain standard of feeling girly, "done up," and pampered. So as I take this journey, as an aid to other and help to myself, I will be sharing some of my hit and misses.
I have 3 main concerns:
1) Hormones...they control EVERYTHING in your body...they are like little managers and the more chemicals you put into your system, the greater the chance that they will get confused and mess up some important projects; effective janitorial services, company morale, regular and efficient "hours of operation", raw material production and reproduction to name a few.
2.Cash - if I'm going to go poor trying to be healthy and planet-conscious, then it's not worth it to me. I'm aware that I have a limited life span and the planet won't be completely gonerooski by the time I'm gone. So future generations are important, but not worth hanging out in the poor house.
3.Greenhouse Gas - aka, the planet (yes, its one problem among many). But I think we can easily make some small changes, when multiplied by the population of a planet, could do some good.
So stay tuned:)

Cleaning up on the Gender Divide

So my dad has this friend that belongs to this snooty tooty gentlemen's club that lets women (only in wife form) in once a year. I pretend to be more offended by this than I really am, since as women, we have just learned to mention something men dislike, and we don't need to pay dues or make fake convincing arguments to be left to our own devises. Plus...I'm all for a little girl time...or a little guy time- they're different creatures and need to connect with those that understand them. The sexes tend to think differently, are conditioned to act pretty differently, and are drawn to different things. Yet, as is usually the case, marketing a-holes have inflated, twisted, and soiled a truth into total hogwash to benefit "the man" (ironic?), and the masses have fallen for it like smooth, scented, well coifed little sheep. Men's only beauty products...seriously?
I remember the first time I questioned this notion...Secret Deoderant. Strong enough for a man, but PH Balanced for a woman. Come to find out...there is not difference in the female versus the male PH! The ENTIRE advertising scheme for that deoderant is completely false...and has been for YEARRRRRRRRRRRS. Yet people not only accept it, but eat that &*(% up!!
Then came the Axe line of products. Starting with spray...acceptable since scents have classically been divided between the sexes. And from there, the phenom has exploded....no joke, the other day I saw a men's beauty product AISLE in the drugstore.
Perhaps this is a good thing...a sign of less division between men and women, but you gotta think that something is a little weird. Haven't men been using the same products (minus 12 billion or so) that us women have? Haven't our soaps and shampoos and lotions been good enough for them for decades? (Save for some bath and body works type products, but those are an extreme case). And I don't know about YOU, but I have never had a strong sense that a majority of the male population had clouds of femininity floating around them?!
So what's the deal? Is this a good thing or a bunch of marketing hype to fill our shelves and empty our pocket books?

Adventures in Dating: And the award goes to...

So I show up, and....wait...the 9 hours before. In the morning, I get my first text message from "Captain Intensity" saying "Good morning. Looking forward to tonight. See you at 6:30!" Sweet. Thoughtful token and plan confirmation - and no one likes efficiency more than me. I reply in the cool affirmative...and he replies something about texting on the freeway. Ooh, danger...how manly. He mentions that he will arrive by way of a driver...very ritzy sounding. However, I am aware that this could mean that he's maxed out the DUIs and his cousin is dropping him off. However, it also could be due to the rising offer of ammenities associated with downtown luxury apartment living. Then some discomfort ensues...he asks about my lunch plans...and seems to go on the defensive about the fact that they include male company (a married co-worker and my boss, also known as my dad). Then two more mentions of excitement about the upcoming festivities, along with some other random comments, totaling 15 (that's FIFTEEN) texts in the 9 hours before our first date. In my opinion, that's overkill - but could, in some alternate reality, be an acceptable mistake. And everyone makes mistakes.

Back to showing up...what later would be the biggest mistake of 2009 thus far. He was there, which is a good sign. I don't like being first. He gives me a weak hug - forgivable. We sit at a couch and talk for a moment and then move to the bar to be better served. I order a glass of merlot, and he orders a beer and a shot of top shelf vodka. Strange choice of "socializing" drink, but he says he hard a hard day at work...and who am I to judge? So work has come up...I ask about this hard day, and he says I will NEVER hear him talk about his work, he loves it but its stressful. (worth noting...he's not a cop, surgeon, or bomb disarmer...he does sales) After such a strong statement...he spends 30 minutes talking about his job...his boss, specifics about his clients, specific examples of situation where he swept in to save the day, and specifics about money. He also says he never swears or drinks, followed by an onslaught of beers plus shots and increasing amounts of F-bombs, B-bombs, and S-bombs...maybe be meant the OTHER bad words? He was already obviously very proud of himself.

So the captain continues ordering beers with a side shot of vodka. We also ordered crab cakes...came with two. I apparently ate the first 1/5 of mine far too slowly without showing my hunger sufficiently, because he swooped in after the rest of it. Oh well, give me another glass of wine. Especially since he has a piece of paper with a list of questions and he refuses to ask me any of them until I've had "enough" wine to answer honestly (yeah...dude REALLY didn't know me)

If you think this explanation is long, I would say you should have been on the date...but I wouldn't wish that on a serial murdere on death row. So the interview went through some very interesting discussions...

Child rearing philosophies: He believes children should not be given any choices until age ten. Has he ever been around a child? I don't have them, but I know quite a few...short of letting them run the world, children learn independence, control and some serious skills from having and making choices. When asking for a second date, he mentioned that it was DESPITE my theories on this.

Women's "Real Age": he believes all women are really 8 year old girls on the inside and can't be held responsible for their actions and decisions. Therefore he forgives everything women do. Oh that is except that his wife of 11 years couldn't have children. And whatever the women who he walked away from on dates and texted them, "I don't like how you presented yourself" like its some sort of sales call. He's had TONS of blond, beautiful, trophy girls but he wants more. (Oooh, you can get the hot stupid chicks...and you STILL think they're not good enough for you)

Women's place in HIS relationships: Support him and push him to earn more money, while being wildly successful themselves...staying very attractive, not "presenting" themselves poorly, maintain their own lives, and bearing and raising children, choice free of course.

Maintaining their own lives: His women should have their own interests and lives but want to make memories and travel with him on weekends. Friends should not be of the oppostie sex. If his friends want to do something he will ask his girl, if she doesn't want to go, he will stay with her and only go out alone with his friends if she's going to do the same. I felt smothered just hearing the story.

Sex: he didn't do that until he was in a committed relationship. YET once he was, he was a freak. Too much information already? Not for him...he likes to frequent sex clubs, but doesn't want to trade partners, he just likes being watched and having everyone seemingly as impressed with himself as he is with himself. He has a membership to an "elite" nudist colony in Palm Springs. He loves the idea of going to a topless pool in Vegas, but just to see his girlfriend be topless...(can't imagine why the living room setting isn't good enough for that). However, he hates strip clubs. Finds them disgusting.

Money: He makes over $200k, but he must admit to me that he pays alimony (actually he doesn't. Its a first date...maybe our last names will come up...after that, it can wait). His friends call him the richest person they know (not impressed since the new assumption is that these freinds are obviously invisible), but he doesn't care of stuff...ahem, my ass?! He could pay my debt with one bonus. I would rather pull $300 a month for 18 years out of the far reachest of my asshole...thank you.

The best part? The two girls next to us and my hairdresser. At one point he mentioned how familiar he was with Victorias Secret and in combination with my recent relationship past, I asked if he was gay. He not only said no...but was offended, and in his Nordy's shirt and Nordy's pants explained that he has had to tone down all his masculinity. Oh puleeeeze! So he turns to the girls next to us and said, "do I seem gay?" and we start chatting with them - they discover its a first date and start asking some more questions. I feel as though I've floated upon a bouy in the middle of a tsunami. But he tells me that he started talking to them as a test to see if I could handle it. Hmmm, why don't you leave altogether and I'll "handle it" with these girls all night? I don't need to be tested...even though it saved me. These girls were checking out the bartender for me. Then I hear my name from behind. Its my hairdresser and since I don't care how I "present" myself at this point...I grab her, run into the bathroom and drop to the floor. We laugh at what I'm dealing with...she gets me some toilet paper, and I return out to the bar to suck down water and be able to leave.

At leaving time a few more interesting things. I offer (as I always do) to help out when the bill comes. And the guy who makes so much money shrugs and says "ok." Come again? Ok? I had 3, $8 glasses of wine and 1/10th of the crabcake order out of our $150 check and he let me put my card down. He did hand me some cash, but regardless - it was offensive. He offered to get me a driver - at which point I discovered his "drivers" were taxis. Yet they all know him and respond to him at hyperspeed, making them his "drivers." However, I have been drinking water for an hour, so I'm fine to drive and we walk toward the car. He asks how much I weigh...I laugh. Has he never met a woman or did he eat a big bowl of crazy for lunch? I say that's none of his business, agree to antoher date (which will NEVER happen) and he makes me solemnly promise that I will drive safe (hold the cheese - it give me the runs).

Again, I take off from Santana Row...deja vu from DoJo man...like a bat out of dating hell. I have spent the last 48 hours vowing never to date again. I have come up with how I can decorate my future home because it will NOT hold a man in it...and I am currently shopping colorful afghans, a good mix of 26 cats, and a doily covered pink Lay-z-Boy from which to carry out my final days watching Food Network and Lifetime movies.

Good-bye 2008, Hello 2009!

2008 seriously and totally objectively sucked. I know for the country, it was landmark, with the election of Obama and such, but in my world, it pretty much blew goats. There were too many deaths, and despite the fact that death is natural...these were all, in my opinion, untimely, drawn out, and/or tragic. My grandfather...though drawn out, was the only one that came as a sort of a relief. And dating...well, I should have just stuck with death. There was an influx of less than worthy men that STILL went for the just friends/not sure I want anything now, despite the fact we met on a DATING SITE/disappearing act route. However, not even that has the effect that first finding out someone who has repeatedly reassured you that you are they woman they want to marry and that they want only you, is dating...and sleeping with...other people, women AND men. And along with those, and all the little stupid things that seem to rain down on me, I ended the year with what was pretty much the ugliest mystery reaction on the planet and 6 weeks of steriods that boosted my appetite just enough to make all the new clothes that I spent the year working to fit into, became tight and a lot less cute.
Regardless...I'm jazzed about 2009...like lamely jazzed (hence the use of the lamest word in the book - jazzed). I woke up feeling great on the first day of the year. Like the clock hands hit midnight and flipped off the clock to turn over a new leaf for ME. I don't necessarily have any specific resolutions, I just plan on enjoying
my life a little more...going out more, seeing movies, starting out days on a good foot, using nutrition and exercises as means to further my happiness in a number of ways, and trying a few new things. I'm SO looking forward to turning 30, as I've bought into Colleen's theory that 29 sucks so hard so that people (meaning women won't lose their shit over turning 30. So, welcome 2009...I have high hopes for you...don't let me down!:)

Karma is the New Black

Karma is EVERYWHERE lately...correction, DISCUSSION of Karma is everywhere. There are Karma cafes, Karma books, Karma dog food, Karma songs, Karma shows, Karma, Karma, Karma. Karma is nearing the status of "fuck" in that it can be an insult, a good thing, an adjective, a noun, a cause or an effect. Long gone are the days that everyone universally pictures Boy George and a color changing lizard at the mention of the word.
But the fact is, good things happen to bad people all the time, and vice versa...mean, stupid, rich people get richer. Nasty people with next-to-nothing to add to the planet, get their words and ideas broadcast daily...hourly. Mother Theresa got sick and died. Innocent people go to prison. Honest people get their heart broken. Children are exposed to war and abuse and divorce.
So the "law" of Karma...doesn't fly for me. "Laws" are sometimes-apply, very possibly-on-Tuesdays type things. Laws are always laws...Karma is considered a type of energy. There are "laws" to energy. For example, energy is never created or destroyed. So how would Karmic energy handle this one if everyone started being do-gooders all up and down the place? What about when war breaks out or a serial killer goes on a gorey spree? Does the planet have to borrow a little bad Karma from the less-bad of the bad? When the world seems to be all turned around, does it take that much less goodness to reap some major benefits? Is it like the stock market?
So do whatever you want to do...and if you do good things- do them just because they make other people happy. Luckily, that makes most people feel good in return so its almost IMPOSSIBLE not to be greedy.

An Informed Flu Shot...

My very passionate and logical, future-nurse cousin was very disturbed recently by the fact that I was receiving a flu shot. Her (completely valid) feelings are that those that receive flu shots are uninformed society-sheep that are propegating a super virus that will ultimately quickly and painfully wipe out the human race as we know it. My flu vaccine was likened to abuse of antibiotics and wasting electricity by not turning off lights. Now, this is fairly new, since the only time I tend to disagree with her is when she's mad at her nearly saintly boyfriend;)- but here is my informed and thought-out rebuttal- mainly based on my education and understanding of how the body works, since you can find arguments in either direction represented as ultimate fact.
First of all, I am aware of the risks of current medical intervention and especially the issues involved with bacterial mutation due to abuse of antibiotics. I am also aware that the flu viruses used in the annual vaccine is an educated guess and is not a sure shot against illness, especially since many winter illnesses are not influenza, but just mirror the symptoms. I am also aware that the viruses are grown in a chicken and that there is possibly mercury as a perservative in the vaccine.
First of all, the antibiotic argument - antibiotics and flu vaccines are not analogous. Antibiotics, in this instance are man made little soldiers that are intended to seek out and destroy bacteria. They are not always specific and destroy their target as well as helpful and natural bacteria, often causing an upset in your body chemistry. Two major problems are that they are over prescribed - for issues that are not always bacteria related, and their intended cycles are not completed by consumers. These factors essentially allow for a Darwinian "survival of the fittest" of bacteria, rewarding mutations that are resistant to standard antibiotics. Another issue is that you can catch the same bacteria many times without your body building a resistance to it - so in an absence of antibiotics (the enemy) bacteria need not mutate.
Viruses on the other hand, have only lasted the test of time because they constantly mutate - and have been doing so from the beginning. When a person catches a virus, their body NATURALLY developes antibodies to that virus. When you catch one strain of the flu, you will very likely, short of a compromised immune system, never get that strain again. That is why many strains develop and spread every year-vaccine or not. A vaccine is the actual (natural) virus - weakened or deadened, in my flu shot's case - intended to inspire my body to build antibodies to it. This is the EXACT same reaction my body would naturally have if I contracted these strains of the flu in "the wild", was on my back for 2 weeks, lost income, possibly missed important commitments, and risked complications.
I don't agree completely with all vaccines, and think over vaccination of young children needs to be more informed and better regulated. I haven't taken antibiotics for years, but if I develope a bacterial infection that my body doesn't fight off, I fully intend to get antibiotics and I hope to gawd that they work.
It would be fantastic if I didn't have to take precautions that were not 100% safe in order to protect myself. But that requires a gamut of social reconstructions that I garauntee aren't going to happen this winter. Workplaces would be clean and open air, endless time would be given for healing and recovery, alternative treatments would be inexpensive and readily available. Yes, someone is making money off of my flu shot, but the herbalist is making money too. And when you do your work, whether it is massively believed to help or hurt, you will make money, too. And tonight I will have fish for dinner, and very likely be exposed to more mercury than I was last night. And I will drive my car home, even though there is a chance that I will side swiped by a bus. Not all risks are uninformed, not all modern medicine is a conspiracy and I doubt there exists any issue that is black and white in this world, and a good argument always considers the other side.

The Bright Side of Life

Ok, call me a total psycho (I'm sure you have already)...but another great depression sounds like it could be just the thing we need around here. If Karma is real-and a real bitch...(another post, for another day) then this will bite me in the ass, but here's how I see it...
From our nations experience, a Great Depression is a time of extreme economic downfall...resulting in the loss of jobs, reduction in value of the dollar, and mandatory page boy hats for the poor. (I have to give Amy Poehler credit for that last observation)
Consider the under 25 population of today. Now maybe I'm just getting old (almost the big 3-0 for pete's sake!)- but kids these days seem like a bunch of spoiled, over-coddled, lazy, entitled wastes of space...for the most part. There's always exceptions to the rule. Seeing this run rampid in people my age, I feel I am actually somewhat an exception. Whatever...as it stands, today's youth wasn't scored in competative sports so that their feelings didn't get hurt, they were/are drowned in positive reinforcement, and "cool" parents that want to be everyone's friend leading them to believe they are entitled to higher education with a caveat that they get to party their faces off in a different zip code than their parents, even if they slid into a junior college. They want to carry/wear designer labels, on someone elses dime. Certain, un-named shows, on certain un-named channels, geared toward youth and pop culture (and in a round about way, toward music)give kids the impression that the 400 kids invited to your sixteenth birthday party should bear witness to your gift of an escalade or bmw or other such status symbol.

And not to just pick on the younger generations...but everyone is far too comfortable with waste...pre-cut, pre-sliced, pre-packaged, disposable, single portions, 3 copies plus an original...made politically correct by using 15% recycled material (does anyone consider that that means 85% brand new, landfill-bound material?) There's a lot that doesn't need to be one-time use...and if you have to stand in line for it, or dig too deep in the pockets for it, maybe, finally...being green will take an actual substantive turn - even if it only has to do with their own interests and not the future of the planet.

So another widely disagreed upon, but good idea, courtesy of moi.

Waiter...there's a fly in my soup.

Well, as a return from a long hiatus, this is nothing but a sorry, sorry excuse. However it must be mentioned.
I'm sitting at my desk and hear this fly buzzing OVER the sound of planes following their flight path that happens to go virtually THROUGH our office. Now...my office is on the 5th floor with no opening windows...for a fly to get in here they would have had to do the following...
Slipped in the door undetected and unassuming, while someone else was using it.
Made its way to an elevator and AGAIN slip in during a 10 second or so time span.
At the final floor (occupied by roughly 50 people) exited the elevator, again, flying in the correct direction in a fairly small amount of time. THEN flying down the hall and AGAIN making it through a door in the small amount of time its in use by one of the 4 occupants of our office space.
PLUS flies have a lifespan of 15 to 26 days if they're LUCKY (aka - not squished), so I have to assume that this journey took the entire life of this fly.
Crazy shit, huh?

How To Have a Garage Sale

Last weekend, G and I had what I would call quite the successful Garage Sale...not because we came away trafillionairs, and not because it was the peak of organization, BUT because I believe it will live on in infamy for years, if not generations, to come. Here's the recipe, but I'm sure it won't come out AS perfect without our special sauce;)
1. Refuse to throw away the most useless of crap WHILE accumulating more for roughly 30 years (results may vary with cooking time)
2. Throw all said "waste of prime real estate" into a room, toss well.
3. Advertise where white trash/"lower class" individuals frequent...craigslist.com
4. The night before, forgo organizing clothes, prepping set-up, checking supplies, or pricing items. Instead make 4 wacky neon signs with false promises, and get to a BevMo to ensure adequate beverages for the event. On the way home, reminisce over hip hop from high school and dance your heart out in an expedition with car seats in the back.
5. Wake up insanely early, run through traffic to hang previously mentioned obnoxious signs, and start setting up - make sure before any children/husbands are released, they must fend off at least one mentally ill early bird.
6. be at least 1/3 set up before buyers start arriving in packs...at this point, start drinking.
7. Continue Setting up, keep drinking.
8. Sell, keep drinking.
9. Get lunch, wash it down.
10. As things begin to slow down, lower the prices...and your field of vision with more drinking [Helpful Hint: Chamagne is not inappropriate at a garage sale if it is in a can]
11. Just short of heat stroke and dehydration, shlep 3 cars full of crap to the nearest Goodwill
12. Celebrate a job well done with a silly movie...and drinks.

Here's a list of DON'Ts:
1. Don't leave anything out/visible/unlocked. If you have tape, pens, chairs, tables, or 1/2 a beer out, some weirdo WILL try to buy it.
2. Don't pick what will inevitably prove to be one of the hottest weekends in CREATION during what has otherwise been a fairly mild summer.
3. Don't pass judgement about your mailman's mate (obviously an inside joke)
4. Don't put kid stuff within reach of kids...they will destroy your chance of getting $3 for that whatever-it-is.
5. Don't lay down in the grass...you WILL fall asleep, and people WILL still buy things from you...
6. Don't take a sleeping pill the night before to ensure "early to bed, early to rise"...just makes the drive that much blurrier.

Hooray for Hormones

This picture is what I imagine such a purely evil element must look like. The complexity of these chemicles could be used of proof that god exists, the effects of the female specific ones would then be proof that said god is not only a man, but a fat, bitter, divorced, ex-frat boy who can't buy a shiney bass boat because his child support payments for his useless ungrateful children are too high. I. Hate. Hormones.
When something is written off as "oh its just hormones" or "she's just hormonal" its like saying, "yeah there's a mushroom cloud, its just an Atom Bomb." Just because it can be explained doesn't mean it isn't atrocious. Hormones come out of nowhere...(ok, these specific hormones come from the ovaries, but at 12-ish when they pop up...nowhere is just as good an explanation). Basically one day your a kid running with other kids, and the next you can't stop crying even though nothing hurts, you hate everyone, a sparce grove of short and curlies appears in a few random places on your body, and the precursers to boobs just make you look like your fat uncle chester (as do your increased upper lip hair, bushy eyebrows,hairy legs and pit stains that your mother insists you're still far too young to worry about).
You spend the next 30 to 40 years trying to find ways to control them. Within years of their arrival, hormones get themselves on a somewhat regular schedule of dropping by. You move from hating your parents, to randomly yelling at roomates, to wanting to drop your co-workers off on Mars (perchlorate and all...for you loyal readers). Here's an example of inner/outter dialogue on days considered basically numbers 27, 28, and 1 of the female cycle:
"Man, this _______ [insert any inanimate object/defense less creature, vegetable or mineral here] is REALLY pissing me off...whoever invented it should be strung up by their toenails and have their teeth burned in their mouth...OUCH, crap! Who punched me in the boobs?!...Dang it...did I wash these pants in hot water again? maybe if I lay down I can zip...Oh christ, WHO is that ugly elephant being in the mirror?! I swear just yesterday I was cute...is it a trillion degrees in here? Am I in the depths of hell?!....What the...why am I CRYING?!!...oooh, are those chocolate pretzels? From when? 6 years ago...that's fine, hand 'em over..."
Sure there are breaks from this cycle where boobs hurt MORE, MORE water is retained, and crying is MORE out of control. And for a possible couple days of hormone induced elation, there is usually the trade off of barfing, weight gain, boob saggage, stretch marks, and generally turning into a train wreck IF all goes well.
There is however an end in sight...and apparently the big punchline is....when these hormones go away, things go all haywire AGAIN!! Flashes of extreme inner heat and sweating, MORE mood swings, a whole new range of hair growth and or loss, and dryness in places where a small amount of humidity is needed for any sort of comfort at ALL.
Yeah for Grrrrl power - and I can't wait to get old either....

Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely

Apparently Italy has been cracking down on crime. Personally, the only crime in Italy that I can imagine is a man in a buret, a neckerchief and tight striped sweater making off on a bicycle with a loaf of bread...actually, that might be my image of crime in France...no, the Italian guy has a curly mustache...that's the difference.
Soooo, instead of making an effort to crack down by, I don't know...say, having the seasoned lawmakers increase their workload a tad? Or increasing existing law ENFORCEMENT efforts (because I don't exactly see the logic that a lot of crime indicates a lack of laws anyway)?! No, according to this article Italy has handed out law making privelages to its mayors....resulting in some odd laws, for instance:

In Capri, bikinis are A-OK on the beach...but once you step off the sand not so much. I wonder if there's a stipulation for being wrestled off the sand sumo-style? I wonder if tankinis were grouped into the bikini family even though they cover as much as a one piece? I wonder if the male bikini-counterpart, the speedo (aka banana hammock) is suffering the same scrutiny? What about the multitude of other scenarios where bikinis are perfectly acceptable...pools, dressing rooms, pageants, and photo shoots? Or in the office when its made of post-its...
On the beaches of Ereclea, sandcastle building is forbidden. Does anyone else see the irony in restricting the erection of an authoritarian symbol in this manner? And say a person of Shaq-esque proportions shuffles their feet forming a fairly large mound of sorts...can't this be considered a sand displacement and/or structure of some kind?
Restrictions were spread among large groups (and by large, I mean 3 or more people) lounging in a park after dark, PDA's in a car (wow, take me back to high school), and feeding pigeons.
First of all, I am the QUEEN of catastrophic thinking, and I can't figure for the life of me how these things lead to debauchery. Is a bikini off the beach (as opposed to on the beach, because the look itself was not outlawed) anything more than a severe lapse in appropriate fashion judgment? Is a third person in the vicinity while lounging in the park(probably the most non-threatening action next to petting bunnies) a recipe for mass hysteria from mob mentality that will reach epic proportions? Has sandcastle building gotten so wildly out of control on so many occassions that its just not worth the risk to allow kids to flip over their buckets of wet sand? Are there zoning regulations that just can NOT allow the lack of windows common to many sandcastles or is it just the lack of structural integrity and purely an insurance issue at hand? Whatever it is, if there's a potential problem, and I can't come up with it...then it probably simply doesn't exist.
Also...is there a chance that there are ANY existing laws that have already covered some of the potential disturbances of the peace that these situations present? Like a good old fashion indecent exposure statute would cover scantily clad sun bathers from wandering the streets AS WELL AS any vehicular passion from reaching a point of...well, indecency. A closing time on public parks, while possibly not infallable could probably reduce the problems of groups gathering, if in fact this has become a severe issue...
I think its time for Europe's boot to kick ITSELF back into reality. Stop griping, and make me some gnocci!

Things that should be simple, but aren't....

Sometimes, while my mind is wandering, I wonder how something so easy became so complex.
For instance, the whole process of getting a president...who decided at some point that delegates, super delegates, and nearly 2 years of wackiness would make things easier, more fair, or better in any way? I doubt that person is still alive, I DON'T doubt that person is a man, I doubt that I care enough to google it, and I DON'T doubt that my opinion sounds ignorant. Its not researched, just a passing thought I had, that started like this..."hey self, did you ever wonder why once the registration deadline is up, there's not just a president chosen based on number of democrats versus number of republicans. As a general rule, doesn't each vote in their own direction?"
Also, I can't even stop myself from wondering about stopped traffic on the freeway. It happens every day, normally twice a day all over the place...but what the freak?! Freeways have no stops and even when there is an accident it rarely takes up all the lanes. Also the exits are off to the side for a reason, so that doesn't cut the mustard in my mind either. All I can see in my mind, is the 2-5 line of side by side cars at the front of that group of stopped people...stopped for no reason with a big expanse of road in front of him.
Speaking of the freeway...how do they decide which exit is the original exit...the numero uno. Lately I've gotten off on exit number 430 and 200-something...and wondered where #1 was AND if they extend the freeway in the direction opposite of #2, what is done?
So this is definitely not a complete list of things I would oversimplify in my world, it actually isn't even a good representation...but that's it for now.

NEWSFLASH...Mars: Not Earth?!

Yahoo news has once again amazed me...
"Martian Soil May Contain Detrimental Substance"...very interesting considering the recent finding of ice on Mars. Ice means water, which supports life (at least the type of life we know). The point of the article is that a chemicle known as "perchlorate" was found in the soil. But there were some interesting observations that I had to question...
"Scientists previously reported that the soil near Mars' north pole was similar to backyard gardens on Earth where plants such as asparagus, green beans and turnips could grow." - backyard gardens on earth? Kind of sounds like a gross generalization to me. First...how much of the world's soil is actually contained in backyards? I'm pretty sure that the backyard itself is a fairly new creation in the earth's history, a result of industrialization and so forth. This means, its an INFANTILE idea in the scheme of the planet. Also, how many backyard gardens use soil, straight from the earth and its creations, without being altered, packaged and sold? And if they do, I'm guessing they don't often grow successful turnips and green beans in it. Plus, I looked. There are 15 different "Soil Regions" on this planet..and even then, you have to wait for the right climate to grow your green beans.

"On Earth, perchlorate is a natural and manmade contaminant sometimes found in soil and groundwater." Hold on...isn't the point of this article that Martian soil is different BECAUSE it contains this contaminate named "perchlorate"? And in its decscription, its natural earthly occurance AND presence in SOIL is mentioned?

Then one more observation regarding perchlorate caught my eye..."The lander mixed soil with water brought from Earth into a teacup-size beaker and stirred it." Where was it again that this non-earthly, Martian soil distinction substance was naturally occuring besides Earth soil?...OH! That's right...in water.

Now, I'm not a geologist (and my chief geologist is at Shakespear festival this week) but this report seems to leave a few large loopholes, even for the general population. I imagine a frayed, over-worked, under-paid journalist wanna-be with a paper cup filled with coffee, a 1/2 tucked shirt with the sleeves rolled up and files strewn about on their desk...seeing the editor looming towards their cubicle and realizing they don't have a damn thing to report...Googling "Mars," getting bits of a story, and the idiot boss saying "this will be a feature today...nice work Johnson."

UPDATE: By the time I finished writing this...I refreshed the page, and the article had changed to stating that the soil on Mars considered similar to Chile Desert. Chile is still on Earth, unless its been Pluto'd out...

WWFD? (What would Freud do?)

I had a crazy dream last night...which is not abnormal for me. However, it IS abnormal for my dreams to follow a storyboard type sequence so this one is easy enough to explain...
G and I found out somehow that G's 8 year old son, S was being taken through this portal that connected to an alternate universe by untrustworthy folk (aka - bad guys). We had to try to figure out how to get through this portal which was a hole in the overhang right outside her back sliding glass door. We were trying everything, and getting hints from this movie/video game that we had to figure out. Finally, I got some answers...but I don't remember them all...and I was having trouble finding a place to write them down to remember them. I know I needed a certain brand of children's shoes with a character on the side. I decided that because of my small feet (while in real life, G's feet are smaller)- then we had to pull out the pockets of our pants and hold them by the corners and state two different dates...one in October, one in November. There were a few more steps but I couldn't remember those when I woke up. S had helped me figure these out, and I wondered if he was old enough to be able to keep the secret that I now knew. I went to G to tell her and she had decided she didn't believe in the alternate universe anymore, so I was going to have to go through it myself....
So some explanations...I just saw a new picture of S, edited to look like a circular photo...somewhat like a portal. I've seen/ heard about a lot of video games lately...most recently a discussion about "World of Warcraft." (I haven't a clue how I end up in these conversations...) Pant Pockets had to do with doing laundry, I always flatten my pockets and I recently did my jeans and slacks...October and November are S and his brother's birthday months, in fall...which I'm starting to get excited about. And finally, with G going to Hawaii...I will have to handle all my own drama (and by that I mean, only discuss it with friends #2-99) all by myself. Finally the only explanation for the character shoes is that a commercial played on the TV for the new sesame street new balance, while I was asleep.

Bitter Woman...NOT

Ok, so in reading my posts, my dad developed a concern that I am a bitter woman. I'm not...at least not completely;)

I do believe in all people, and that there's good people and people who aren't so good. I think there's plenty of great guys (like said Dad, for instance...or my brother. He's a catch...any single girls, send your resume this way!) I continue to date because there's good guys out there. In fact, a majority of men and/or boys that I've dated are really great guys. I tend not to be attracted to cocky, mean or misogynistic men. I have made some really cool friendships out of failed relationships. I am, however, glad to be single...as the alternative would have been to settle for any of these people who were not right for me.

That said, I've had some interesting and entertaining experience with men, good and bad. Those make the best stories (i.e. blogs) and when there's a funny twist to a situation, that's what I want to tell about. This is being a single woman these days. How fun would this blog be?...

"I said hi to my ex, Mike, on gchat today. He's doing well, his girlfriend is a great girl, much better suited to him than I. We laughed about a movie quote."

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...no fun.

So no need to worry, dad. These stories are for entertainment purposes only...I still believe in men, and love, romance, and even amicable relationship endings...partially because of you. So, you done good...and OF COURSE I'm voting for Obama.