Adventures in Dating: And the award goes to...

So I show up, and....wait...the 9 hours before. In the morning, I get my first text message from "Captain Intensity" saying "Good morning. Looking forward to tonight. See you at 6:30!" Sweet. Thoughtful token and plan confirmation - and no one likes efficiency more than me. I reply in the cool affirmative...and he replies something about texting on the freeway. Ooh, danger...how manly. He mentions that he will arrive by way of a driver...very ritzy sounding. However, I am aware that this could mean that he's maxed out the DUIs and his cousin is dropping him off. However, it also could be due to the rising offer of ammenities associated with downtown luxury apartment living. Then some discomfort ensues...he asks about my lunch plans...and seems to go on the defensive about the fact that they include male company (a married co-worker and my boss, also known as my dad). Then two more mentions of excitement about the upcoming festivities, along with some other random comments, totaling 15 (that's FIFTEEN) texts in the 9 hours before our first date. In my opinion, that's overkill - but could, in some alternate reality, be an acceptable mistake. And everyone makes mistakes.

Back to showing up...what later would be the biggest mistake of 2009 thus far. He was there, which is a good sign. I don't like being first. He gives me a weak hug - forgivable. We sit at a couch and talk for a moment and then move to the bar to be better served. I order a glass of merlot, and he orders a beer and a shot of top shelf vodka. Strange choice of "socializing" drink, but he says he hard a hard day at work...and who am I to judge? So work has come up...I ask about this hard day, and he says I will NEVER hear him talk about his work, he loves it but its stressful. (worth noting...he's not a cop, surgeon, or bomb disarmer...he does sales) After such a strong statement...he spends 30 minutes talking about his job...his boss, specifics about his clients, specific examples of situation where he swept in to save the day, and specifics about money. He also says he never swears or drinks, followed by an onslaught of beers plus shots and increasing amounts of F-bombs, B-bombs, and S-bombs...maybe be meant the OTHER bad words? He was already obviously very proud of himself.

So the captain continues ordering beers with a side shot of vodka. We also ordered crab cakes...came with two. I apparently ate the first 1/5 of mine far too slowly without showing my hunger sufficiently, because he swooped in after the rest of it. Oh well, give me another glass of wine. Especially since he has a piece of paper with a list of questions and he refuses to ask me any of them until I've had "enough" wine to answer honestly (yeah...dude REALLY didn't know me)

If you think this explanation is long, I would say you should have been on the date...but I wouldn't wish that on a serial murdere on death row. So the interview went through some very interesting discussions...

Child rearing philosophies: He believes children should not be given any choices until age ten. Has he ever been around a child? I don't have them, but I know quite a few...short of letting them run the world, children learn independence, control and some serious skills from having and making choices. When asking for a second date, he mentioned that it was DESPITE my theories on this.

Women's "Real Age": he believes all women are really 8 year old girls on the inside and can't be held responsible for their actions and decisions. Therefore he forgives everything women do. Oh that is except that his wife of 11 years couldn't have children. And whatever the women who he walked away from on dates and texted them, "I don't like how you presented yourself" like its some sort of sales call. He's had TONS of blond, beautiful, trophy girls but he wants more. (Oooh, you can get the hot stupid chicks...and you STILL think they're not good enough for you)

Women's place in HIS relationships: Support him and push him to earn more money, while being wildly successful themselves...staying very attractive, not "presenting" themselves poorly, maintain their own lives, and bearing and raising children, choice free of course.

Maintaining their own lives: His women should have their own interests and lives but want to make memories and travel with him on weekends. Friends should not be of the oppostie sex. If his friends want to do something he will ask his girl, if she doesn't want to go, he will stay with her and only go out alone with his friends if she's going to do the same. I felt smothered just hearing the story.

Sex: he didn't do that until he was in a committed relationship. YET once he was, he was a freak. Too much information already? Not for him...he likes to frequent sex clubs, but doesn't want to trade partners, he just likes being watched and having everyone seemingly as impressed with himself as he is with himself. He has a membership to an "elite" nudist colony in Palm Springs. He loves the idea of going to a topless pool in Vegas, but just to see his girlfriend be topless...(can't imagine why the living room setting isn't good enough for that). However, he hates strip clubs. Finds them disgusting.

Money: He makes over $200k, but he must admit to me that he pays alimony (actually he doesn't. Its a first date...maybe our last names will come up...after that, it can wait). His friends call him the richest person they know (not impressed since the new assumption is that these freinds are obviously invisible), but he doesn't care of stuff...ahem, my ass?! He could pay my debt with one bonus. I would rather pull $300 a month for 18 years out of the far reachest of my asshole...thank you.

The best part? The two girls next to us and my hairdresser. At one point he mentioned how familiar he was with Victorias Secret and in combination with my recent relationship past, I asked if he was gay. He not only said no...but was offended, and in his Nordy's shirt and Nordy's pants explained that he has had to tone down all his masculinity. Oh puleeeeze! So he turns to the girls next to us and said, "do I seem gay?" and we start chatting with them - they discover its a first date and start asking some more questions. I feel as though I've floated upon a bouy in the middle of a tsunami. But he tells me that he started talking to them as a test to see if I could handle it. Hmmm, why don't you leave altogether and I'll "handle it" with these girls all night? I don't need to be tested...even though it saved me. These girls were checking out the bartender for me. Then I hear my name from behind. Its my hairdresser and since I don't care how I "present" myself at this point...I grab her, run into the bathroom and drop to the floor. We laugh at what I'm dealing with...she gets me some toilet paper, and I return out to the bar to suck down water and be able to leave.

At leaving time a few more interesting things. I offer (as I always do) to help out when the bill comes. And the guy who makes so much money shrugs and says "ok." Come again? Ok? I had 3, $8 glasses of wine and 1/10th of the crabcake order out of our $150 check and he let me put my card down. He did hand me some cash, but regardless - it was offensive. He offered to get me a driver - at which point I discovered his "drivers" were taxis. Yet they all know him and respond to him at hyperspeed, making them his "drivers." However, I have been drinking water for an hour, so I'm fine to drive and we walk toward the car. He asks how much I weigh...I laugh. Has he never met a woman or did he eat a big bowl of crazy for lunch? I say that's none of his business, agree to antoher date (which will NEVER happen) and he makes me solemnly promise that I will drive safe (hold the cheese - it give me the runs).

Again, I take off from Santana Row...deja vu from DoJo man...like a bat out of dating hell. I have spent the last 48 hours vowing never to date again. I have come up with how I can decorate my future home because it will NOT hold a man in it...and I am currently shopping colorful afghans, a good mix of 26 cats, and a doily covered pink Lay-z-Boy from which to carry out my final days watching Food Network and Lifetime movies.

Good-bye 2008, Hello 2009!

2008 seriously and totally objectively sucked. I know for the country, it was landmark, with the election of Obama and such, but in my world, it pretty much blew goats. There were too many deaths, and despite the fact that death is natural...these were all, in my opinion, untimely, drawn out, and/or tragic. My grandfather...though drawn out, was the only one that came as a sort of a relief. And dating...well, I should have just stuck with death. There was an influx of less than worthy men that STILL went for the just friends/not sure I want anything now, despite the fact we met on a DATING SITE/disappearing act route. However, not even that has the effect that first finding out someone who has repeatedly reassured you that you are they woman they want to marry and that they want only you, is dating...and sleeping with...other people, women AND men. And along with those, and all the little stupid things that seem to rain down on me, I ended the year with what was pretty much the ugliest mystery reaction on the planet and 6 weeks of steriods that boosted my appetite just enough to make all the new clothes that I spent the year working to fit into, became tight and a lot less cute.
Regardless...I'm jazzed about 2009...like lamely jazzed (hence the use of the lamest word in the book - jazzed). I woke up feeling great on the first day of the year. Like the clock hands hit midnight and flipped off the clock to turn over a new leaf for ME. I don't necessarily have any specific resolutions, I just plan on enjoying
my life a little more...going out more, seeing movies, starting out days on a good foot, using nutrition and exercises as means to further my happiness in a number of ways, and trying a few new things. I'm SO looking forward to turning 30, as I've bought into Colleen's theory that 29 sucks so hard so that people (meaning women won't lose their shit over turning 30. So, welcome 2009...I have high hopes for you...don't let me down!:)

Karma is the New Black

Karma is EVERYWHERE lately...correction, DISCUSSION of Karma is everywhere. There are Karma cafes, Karma books, Karma dog food, Karma songs, Karma shows, Karma, Karma, Karma. Karma is nearing the status of "fuck" in that it can be an insult, a good thing, an adjective, a noun, a cause or an effect. Long gone are the days that everyone universally pictures Boy George and a color changing lizard at the mention of the word.
But the fact is, good things happen to bad people all the time, and vice versa...mean, stupid, rich people get richer. Nasty people with next-to-nothing to add to the planet, get their words and ideas broadcast daily...hourly. Mother Theresa got sick and died. Innocent people go to prison. Honest people get their heart broken. Children are exposed to war and abuse and divorce.
So the "law" of Karma...doesn't fly for me. "Laws" are sometimes-apply, very possibly-on-Tuesdays type things. Laws are always laws...Karma is considered a type of energy. There are "laws" to energy. For example, energy is never created or destroyed. So how would Karmic energy handle this one if everyone started being do-gooders all up and down the place? What about when war breaks out or a serial killer goes on a gorey spree? Does the planet have to borrow a little bad Karma from the less-bad of the bad? When the world seems to be all turned around, does it take that much less goodness to reap some major benefits? Is it like the stock market?
So do whatever you want to do...and if you do good things- do them just because they make other people happy. Luckily, that makes most people feel good in return so its almost IMPOSSIBLE not to be greedy.

An Informed Flu Shot...

My very passionate and logical, future-nurse cousin was very disturbed recently by the fact that I was receiving a flu shot. Her (completely valid) feelings are that those that receive flu shots are uninformed society-sheep that are propegating a super virus that will ultimately quickly and painfully wipe out the human race as we know it. My flu vaccine was likened to abuse of antibiotics and wasting electricity by not turning off lights. Now, this is fairly new, since the only time I tend to disagree with her is when she's mad at her nearly saintly boyfriend;)- but here is my informed and thought-out rebuttal- mainly based on my education and understanding of how the body works, since you can find arguments in either direction represented as ultimate fact.
First of all, I am aware of the risks of current medical intervention and especially the issues involved with bacterial mutation due to abuse of antibiotics. I am also aware that the flu viruses used in the annual vaccine is an educated guess and is not a sure shot against illness, especially since many winter illnesses are not influenza, but just mirror the symptoms. I am also aware that the viruses are grown in a chicken and that there is possibly mercury as a perservative in the vaccine.
First of all, the antibiotic argument - antibiotics and flu vaccines are not analogous. Antibiotics, in this instance are man made little soldiers that are intended to seek out and destroy bacteria. They are not always specific and destroy their target as well as helpful and natural bacteria, often causing an upset in your body chemistry. Two major problems are that they are over prescribed - for issues that are not always bacteria related, and their intended cycles are not completed by consumers. These factors essentially allow for a Darwinian "survival of the fittest" of bacteria, rewarding mutations that are resistant to standard antibiotics. Another issue is that you can catch the same bacteria many times without your body building a resistance to it - so in an absence of antibiotics (the enemy) bacteria need not mutate.
Viruses on the other hand, have only lasted the test of time because they constantly mutate - and have been doing so from the beginning. When a person catches a virus, their body NATURALLY developes antibodies to that virus. When you catch one strain of the flu, you will very likely, short of a compromised immune system, never get that strain again. That is why many strains develop and spread every year-vaccine or not. A vaccine is the actual (natural) virus - weakened or deadened, in my flu shot's case - intended to inspire my body to build antibodies to it. This is the EXACT same reaction my body would naturally have if I contracted these strains of the flu in "the wild", was on my back for 2 weeks, lost income, possibly missed important commitments, and risked complications.
I don't agree completely with all vaccines, and think over vaccination of young children needs to be more informed and better regulated. I haven't taken antibiotics for years, but if I develope a bacterial infection that my body doesn't fight off, I fully intend to get antibiotics and I hope to gawd that they work.
It would be fantastic if I didn't have to take precautions that were not 100% safe in order to protect myself. But that requires a gamut of social reconstructions that I garauntee aren't going to happen this winter. Workplaces would be clean and open air, endless time would be given for healing and recovery, alternative treatments would be inexpensive and readily available. Yes, someone is making money off of my flu shot, but the herbalist is making money too. And when you do your work, whether it is massively believed to help or hurt, you will make money, too. And tonight I will have fish for dinner, and very likely be exposed to more mercury than I was last night. And I will drive my car home, even though there is a chance that I will side swiped by a bus. Not all risks are uninformed, not all modern medicine is a conspiracy and I doubt there exists any issue that is black and white in this world, and a good argument always considers the other side.

The Bright Side of Life

Ok, call me a total psycho (I'm sure you have already)...but another great depression sounds like it could be just the thing we need around here. If Karma is real-and a real bitch...(another post, for another day) then this will bite me in the ass, but here's how I see it...
From our nations experience, a Great Depression is a time of extreme economic downfall...resulting in the loss of jobs, reduction in value of the dollar, and mandatory page boy hats for the poor. (I have to give Amy Poehler credit for that last observation)
Consider the under 25 population of today. Now maybe I'm just getting old (almost the big 3-0 for pete's sake!)- but kids these days seem like a bunch of spoiled, over-coddled, lazy, entitled wastes of space...for the most part. There's always exceptions to the rule. Seeing this run rampid in people my age, I feel I am actually somewhat an exception. Whatever...as it stands, today's youth wasn't scored in competative sports so that their feelings didn't get hurt, they were/are drowned in positive reinforcement, and "cool" parents that want to be everyone's friend leading them to believe they are entitled to higher education with a caveat that they get to party their faces off in a different zip code than their parents, even if they slid into a junior college. They want to carry/wear designer labels, on someone elses dime. Certain, un-named shows, on certain un-named channels, geared toward youth and pop culture (and in a round about way, toward music)give kids the impression that the 400 kids invited to your sixteenth birthday party should bear witness to your gift of an escalade or bmw or other such status symbol.

And not to just pick on the younger generations...but everyone is far too comfortable with waste...pre-cut, pre-sliced, pre-packaged, disposable, single portions, 3 copies plus an original...made politically correct by using 15% recycled material (does anyone consider that that means 85% brand new, landfill-bound material?) There's a lot that doesn't need to be one-time use...and if you have to stand in line for it, or dig too deep in the pockets for it, maybe, finally...being green will take an actual substantive turn - even if it only has to do with their own interests and not the future of the planet.

So another widely disagreed upon, but good idea, courtesy of moi.

Waiter...there's a fly in my soup.

Well, as a return from a long hiatus, this is nothing but a sorry, sorry excuse. However it must be mentioned.
I'm sitting at my desk and hear this fly buzzing OVER the sound of planes following their flight path that happens to go virtually THROUGH our office. Now...my office is on the 5th floor with no opening windows...for a fly to get in here they would have had to do the following...
Slipped in the door undetected and unassuming, while someone else was using it.
Made its way to an elevator and AGAIN slip in during a 10 second or so time span.
At the final floor (occupied by roughly 50 people) exited the elevator, again, flying in the correct direction in a fairly small amount of time. THEN flying down the hall and AGAIN making it through a door in the small amount of time its in use by one of the 4 occupants of our office space.
PLUS flies have a lifespan of 15 to 26 days if they're LUCKY (aka - not squished), so I have to assume that this journey took the entire life of this fly.
Crazy shit, huh?

How To Have a Garage Sale

Last weekend, G and I had what I would call quite the successful Garage Sale...not because we came away trafillionairs, and not because it was the peak of organization, BUT because I believe it will live on in infamy for years, if not generations, to come. Here's the recipe, but I'm sure it won't come out AS perfect without our special sauce;)
1. Refuse to throw away the most useless of crap WHILE accumulating more for roughly 30 years (results may vary with cooking time)
2. Throw all said "waste of prime real estate" into a room, toss well.
3. Advertise where white trash/"lower class" individuals frequent...craigslist.com
4. The night before, forgo organizing clothes, prepping set-up, checking supplies, or pricing items. Instead make 4 wacky neon signs with false promises, and get to a BevMo to ensure adequate beverages for the event. On the way home, reminisce over hip hop from high school and dance your heart out in an expedition with car seats in the back.
5. Wake up insanely early, run through traffic to hang previously mentioned obnoxious signs, and start setting up - make sure before any children/husbands are released, they must fend off at least one mentally ill early bird.
6. be at least 1/3 set up before buyers start arriving in packs...at this point, start drinking.
7. Continue Setting up, keep drinking.
8. Sell, keep drinking.
9. Get lunch, wash it down.
10. As things begin to slow down, lower the prices...and your field of vision with more drinking [Helpful Hint: Chamagne is not inappropriate at a garage sale if it is in a can]
11. Just short of heat stroke and dehydration, shlep 3 cars full of crap to the nearest Goodwill
12. Celebrate a job well done with a silly movie...and drinks.

Here's a list of DON'Ts:
1. Don't leave anything out/visible/unlocked. If you have tape, pens, chairs, tables, or 1/2 a beer out, some weirdo WILL try to buy it.
2. Don't pick what will inevitably prove to be one of the hottest weekends in CREATION during what has otherwise been a fairly mild summer.
3. Don't pass judgement about your mailman's mate (obviously an inside joke)
4. Don't put kid stuff within reach of kids...they will destroy your chance of getting $3 for that whatever-it-is.
5. Don't lay down in the grass...you WILL fall asleep, and people WILL still buy things from you...
6. Don't take a sleeping pill the night before to ensure "early to bed, early to rise"...just makes the drive that much blurrier.