Monday, August 25, 2008

Hooray for Hormones

This picture is what I imagine such a purely evil element must look like. The complexity of these chemicles could be used of proof that god exists, the effects of the female specific ones would then be proof that said god is not only a man, but a fat, bitter, divorced, ex-frat boy who can't buy a shiney bass boat because his child support payments for his useless ungrateful children are too high. I. Hate. Hormones.
When something is written off as "oh its just hormones" or "she's just hormonal" its like saying, "yeah there's a mushroom cloud, its just an Atom Bomb." Just because it can be explained doesn't mean it isn't atrocious. Hormones come out of nowhere...(ok, these specific hormones come from the ovaries, but at 12-ish when they pop up...nowhere is just as good an explanation). Basically one day your a kid running with other kids, and the next you can't stop crying even though nothing hurts, you hate everyone, a sparce grove of short and curlies appears in a few random places on your body, and the precursers to boobs just make you look like your fat uncle chester (as do your increased upper lip hair, bushy eyebrows,hairy legs and pit stains that your mother insists you're still far too young to worry about).
You spend the next 30 to 40 years trying to find ways to control them. Within years of their arrival, hormones get themselves on a somewhat regular schedule of dropping by. You move from hating your parents, to randomly yelling at roomates, to wanting to drop your co-workers off on Mars (perchlorate and all...for you loyal readers). Here's an example of inner/outter dialogue on days considered basically numbers 27, 28, and 1 of the female cycle:
"Man, this _______ [insert any inanimate object/defense less creature, vegetable or mineral here] is REALLY pissing me off...whoever invented it should be strung up by their toenails and have their teeth burned in their mouth...OUCH, crap! Who punched me in the boobs?!...Dang it...did I wash these pants in hot water again? maybe if I lay down I can zip...Oh christ, WHO is that ugly elephant being in the mirror?! I swear just yesterday I was it a trillion degrees in here? Am I in the depths of hell?!....What the...why am I CRYING?!!...oooh, are those chocolate pretzels? From when? 6 years ago...that's fine, hand 'em over..."
Sure there are breaks from this cycle where boobs hurt MORE, MORE water is retained, and crying is MORE out of control. And for a possible couple days of hormone induced elation, there is usually the trade off of barfing, weight gain, boob saggage, stretch marks, and generally turning into a train wreck IF all goes well.
There is however an end in sight...and apparently the big punchline is....when these hormones go away, things go all haywire AGAIN!! Flashes of extreme inner heat and sweating, MORE mood swings, a whole new range of hair growth and or loss, and dryness in places where a small amount of humidity is needed for any sort of comfort at ALL.
Yeah for Grrrrl power - and I can't wait to get old either....

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely

Apparently Italy has been cracking down on crime. Personally, the only crime in Italy that I can imagine is a man in a buret, a neckerchief and tight striped sweater making off on a bicycle with a loaf of bread...actually, that might be my image of crime in, the Italian guy has a curly mustache...that's the difference.
Soooo, instead of making an effort to crack down by, I don't know...say, having the seasoned lawmakers increase their workload a tad? Or increasing existing law ENFORCEMENT efforts (because I don't exactly see the logic that a lot of crime indicates a lack of laws anyway)?! No, according to this article Italy has handed out law making privelages to its mayors....resulting in some odd laws, for instance:

In Capri, bikinis are A-OK on the beach...but once you step off the sand not so much. I wonder if there's a stipulation for being wrestled off the sand sumo-style? I wonder if tankinis were grouped into the bikini family even though they cover as much as a one piece? I wonder if the male bikini-counterpart, the speedo (aka banana hammock) is suffering the same scrutiny? What about the multitude of other scenarios where bikinis are perfectly acceptable...pools, dressing rooms, pageants, and photo shoots? Or in the office when its made of post-its...
On the beaches of Ereclea, sandcastle building is forbidden. Does anyone else see the irony in restricting the erection of an authoritarian symbol in this manner? And say a person of Shaq-esque proportions shuffles their feet forming a fairly large mound of sorts...can't this be considered a sand displacement and/or structure of some kind?
Restrictions were spread among large groups (and by large, I mean 3 or more people) lounging in a park after dark, PDA's in a car (wow, take me back to high school), and feeding pigeons.
First of all, I am the QUEEN of catastrophic thinking, and I can't figure for the life of me how these things lead to debauchery. Is a bikini off the beach (as opposed to on the beach, because the look itself was not outlawed) anything more than a severe lapse in appropriate fashion judgment? Is a third person in the vicinity while lounging in the park(probably the most non-threatening action next to petting bunnies) a recipe for mass hysteria from mob mentality that will reach epic proportions? Has sandcastle building gotten so wildly out of control on so many occassions that its just not worth the risk to allow kids to flip over their buckets of wet sand? Are there zoning regulations that just can NOT allow the lack of windows common to many sandcastles or is it just the lack of structural integrity and purely an insurance issue at hand? Whatever it is, if there's a potential problem, and I can't come up with it...then it probably simply doesn't exist. there a chance that there are ANY existing laws that have already covered some of the potential disturbances of the peace that these situations present? Like a good old fashion indecent exposure statute would cover scantily clad sun bathers from wandering the streets AS WELL AS any vehicular passion from reaching a point of...well, indecency. A closing time on public parks, while possibly not infallable could probably reduce the problems of groups gathering, if in fact this has become a severe issue...
I think its time for Europe's boot to kick ITSELF back into reality. Stop griping, and make me some gnocci!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Things that should be simple, but aren't....

Sometimes, while my mind is wandering, I wonder how something so easy became so complex.
For instance, the whole process of getting a president...who decided at some point that delegates, super delegates, and nearly 2 years of wackiness would make things easier, more fair, or better in any way? I doubt that person is still alive, I DON'T doubt that person is a man, I doubt that I care enough to google it, and I DON'T doubt that my opinion sounds ignorant. Its not researched, just a passing thought I had, that started like this..."hey self, did you ever wonder why once the registration deadline is up, there's not just a president chosen based on number of democrats versus number of republicans. As a general rule, doesn't each vote in their own direction?"
Also, I can't even stop myself from wondering about stopped traffic on the freeway. It happens every day, normally twice a day all over the place...but what the freak?! Freeways have no stops and even when there is an accident it rarely takes up all the lanes. Also the exits are off to the side for a reason, so that doesn't cut the mustard in my mind either. All I can see in my mind, is the 2-5 line of side by side cars at the front of that group of stopped people...stopped for no reason with a big expanse of road in front of him.
Speaking of the do they decide which exit is the original exit...the numero uno. Lately I've gotten off on exit number 430 and 200-something...and wondered where #1 was AND if they extend the freeway in the direction opposite of #2, what is done?
So this is definitely not a complete list of things I would oversimplify in my world, it actually isn't even a good representation...but that's it for now.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

NEWSFLASH...Mars: Not Earth?!

Yahoo news has once again amazed me...
"Martian Soil May Contain Detrimental Substance"...very interesting considering the recent finding of ice on Mars. Ice means water, which supports life (at least the type of life we know). The point of the article is that a chemicle known as "perchlorate" was found in the soil. But there were some interesting observations that I had to question...
"Scientists previously reported that the soil near Mars' north pole was similar to backyard gardens on Earth where plants such as asparagus, green beans and turnips could grow." - backyard gardens on earth? Kind of sounds like a gross generalization to me. much of the world's soil is actually contained in backyards? I'm pretty sure that the backyard itself is a fairly new creation in the earth's history, a result of industrialization and so forth. This means, its an INFANTILE idea in the scheme of the planet. Also, how many backyard gardens use soil, straight from the earth and its creations, without being altered, packaged and sold? And if they do, I'm guessing they don't often grow successful turnips and green beans in it. Plus, I looked. There are 15 different "Soil Regions" on this planet..and even then, you have to wait for the right climate to grow your green beans.

"On Earth, perchlorate is a natural and manmade contaminant sometimes found in soil and groundwater." Hold on...isn't the point of this article that Martian soil is different BECAUSE it contains this contaminate named "perchlorate"? And in its decscription, its natural earthly occurance AND presence in SOIL is mentioned?

Then one more observation regarding perchlorate caught my eye..."The lander mixed soil with water brought from Earth into a teacup-size beaker and stirred it." Where was it again that this non-earthly, Martian soil distinction substance was naturally occuring besides Earth soil?...OH! That's water.

Now, I'm not a geologist (and my chief geologist is at Shakespear festival this week) but this report seems to leave a few large loopholes, even for the general population. I imagine a frayed, over-worked, under-paid journalist wanna-be with a paper cup filled with coffee, a 1/2 tucked shirt with the sleeves rolled up and files strewn about on their desk...seeing the editor looming towards their cubicle and realizing they don't have a damn thing to report...Googling "Mars," getting bits of a story, and the idiot boss saying "this will be a feature today...nice work Johnson."

UPDATE: By the time I finished writing this...I refreshed the page, and the article had changed to stating that the soil on Mars considered similar to Chile Desert. Chile is still on Earth, unless its been Pluto'd out...

WWFD? (What would Freud do?)

I had a crazy dream last night...which is not abnormal for me. However, it IS abnormal for my dreams to follow a storyboard type sequence so this one is easy enough to explain...
G and I found out somehow that G's 8 year old son, S was being taken through this portal that connected to an alternate universe by untrustworthy folk (aka - bad guys). We had to try to figure out how to get through this portal which was a hole in the overhang right outside her back sliding glass door. We were trying everything, and getting hints from this movie/video game that we had to figure out. Finally, I got some answers...but I don't remember them all...and I was having trouble finding a place to write them down to remember them. I know I needed a certain brand of children's shoes with a character on the side. I decided that because of my small feet (while in real life, G's feet are smaller)- then we had to pull out the pockets of our pants and hold them by the corners and state two different in October, one in November. There were a few more steps but I couldn't remember those when I woke up. S had helped me figure these out, and I wondered if he was old enough to be able to keep the secret that I now knew. I went to G to tell her and she had decided she didn't believe in the alternate universe anymore, so I was going to have to go through it myself....
So some explanations...I just saw a new picture of S, edited to look like a circular photo...somewhat like a portal. I've seen/ heard about a lot of video games lately...most recently a discussion about "World of Warcraft." (I haven't a clue how I end up in these conversations...) Pant Pockets had to do with doing laundry, I always flatten my pockets and I recently did my jeans and slacks...October and November are S and his brother's birthday months, in fall...which I'm starting to get excited about. And finally, with G going to Hawaii...I will have to handle all my own drama (and by that I mean, only discuss it with friends #2-99) all by myself. Finally the only explanation for the character shoes is that a commercial played on the TV for the new sesame street new balance, while I was asleep.