Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Bitter Woman...NOT

Ok, so in reading my posts, my dad developed a concern that I am a bitter woman. I'm not...at least not completely;)

I do believe in all people, and that there's good people and people who aren't so good. I think there's plenty of great guys (like said Dad, for instance...or my brother. He's a catch...any single girls, send your resume this way!) I continue to date because there's good guys out there. In fact, a majority of men and/or boys that I've dated are really great guys. I tend not to be attracted to cocky, mean or misogynistic men. I have made some really cool friendships out of failed relationships. I am, however, glad to be single...as the alternative would have been to settle for any of these people who were not right for me.

That said, I've had some interesting and entertaining experience with men, good and bad. Those make the best stories (i.e. blogs) and when there's a funny twist to a situation, that's what I want to tell about. This is being a single woman these days. How fun would this blog be?...

"I said hi to my ex, Mike, on gchat today. He's doing well, his girlfriend is a great girl, much better suited to him than I. We laughed about a movie quote."


So no need to worry, dad. These stories are for entertainment purposes only...I still believe in men, and love, romance, and even amicable relationship endings...partially because of you. So, you done good...and OF COURSE I'm voting for Obama.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Hell Hath No Fury...

Now, I feel like this is a matter I have every right to comment on. I've been jilted a time or two, and the most recent jilt should have registered on the richter scale! IN THAILAND! I always come up with some insanely stellar ideas for revenge. One guy sent a roomate to my birthday party to tell me he wanted my TV back...among my plans for him? Taking the TV apart and giving pieces to everyone to whom he owed money or favors. However, in the end, he picked it up, no harm, no foul. Another had lent me a video phone he stole from work...I planned on asking his boss how he would like it returned with a full explanation of WHY I had it. In the end, I gave it back, and he helped me move a desk. Again, pretty uneventful. I even have had the opportunity to out someone who hurt me...and I mean "out"... of the Elton John listening, doing it with other dudes closet....
Anywho...I digress...
I have noticed a lot of media regarding "The Scorned Woman." The phrase "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" dates back over 300 years. I will be the first to call out generalizations or discrimination, but something that rings true for decades...well, it can't really be argued.
First, Shanna Moakler...former model, actress, reality tv star, and MISS USA for christ's sake! She could probably score pretty much any guy, in any country, of any hemisphere, of any planet- and has with the likes of Billy Idol and Dennis Quaid. She's hot, with a capital H! She dated and married Blink 182 drummer, Travis Barker and broke up in 2006...AND 2007. She had an altercation with Paris Hilton shortly after their first break up amongst rumors of his cheating...and by altercation, I mean an all out bar bitch brawl. MORE recently, she threw a drink on Kim Kardashian at a party...something about questioning her relationship with her (ex)husband while modeling for him. Geez!! The relationship is over. THE GUY is the one who has a responsibility to you and he got OUT of that responsibility. You are gorgeous and famous and have lots and lots of money. Why act like a white trash trailer rat over this guy? There'll be others, I promise. In fact, despite publicly finding out that you're three flavors of psycho - they're probably beating down the door of your rich person house! Really, someone needs to tell this girl that the best revenge is living well. And by being hot and rich, you're already...like, 80% there! Snap out of it girl.
Next, from a discussion about Shanna, I was directed to a video of Trisha Walsh Smith...the YouTube divorce woman. She signed a pre-nup...smart if you ask me for all parties included. Now she's got a video of her ranting about how she herself is an idiot, but her cards (Tarot cards) show that she will be "victorious." Hint: your making an ass of yourself, hence NOT victorious. She calls the secretary, putting an innocent person in the middle of their issues. She feels she is entitled to money that she didn't earn and even calling it "MY pension." A Pension is from WORKING...not marrying. And then she goes into sex...so you're burning him by telling us he didn't have sex with you even though he could?! I would be embarrassed as HELL to admit that. AND she says "can you believe I'm being evicted in 2008 by him even though he has no grounds for divorce!" I'm sorry, is this anti-women's rights in some way? Is it barbaric or archaic in some way that he wants you out of his house, and is offering a sum of 3/4 of a million dollars?! What makes this woman so entitled? And what made these people marry in the first place? Really, the "licensing" process should be a little more strict.
And just as these things are going through my head as a possible blog, JACKPOT...a woman is awarded $150,000 after her fiance calls off the wedding. Now this one makes the most sense...this woman relied on the oral contract of an engagement and relocated, gave up a source of considerable income, and put money into the wedding. So she did have a loss based on reliance of what this man said. That's what civil court is all about. But really...it all comes down to hitting him where it hurts. In the pocketbook. Most men barely blink an eye at emotional pleadings, name calling, or statement so of evil doing. Its the reputation and the pocket book that really brings a tear to their eyes...
And so it goes, with many other seemingly well put together, advantaged women...Linda Hogan, Denise Richards, Christy Brinkley, and Heather Mills (well...ok, she's just all around batshit crazy)...when they are hurt by a man, broken hearted, cheated by love...the claws come out and the game is on. Its like the uterus has a switch (its pretty sensitive, so we'll assume its hidden just behind the clitoris)that instigates CRAZY...with a capital EVERYTHING!!
So men beware. There is nothing like a woman's love...but make sure before you get wrapped up in it, that its THE love you want, or really you have no idea what might be headed your way.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Last Nights Game

Last night was softball game #4, and turned out to be an interesting game to say the least. This was the battle for second place...our team was 2-1 and so was the other team. We all showed up in our Sunday...er, Thursday night, best. Our uniform shirts (nice design Jordan) were all sparkly...and we had plenty of time to warm up. We started throwing around, and the lights came on...and let me tell YOU...night games feel very professional. Now I understand why B almost peed with excitiment on the way over.
So game starts after some suspense over whether or not they would even get enough players by game time...they slide in so close under the wire that they have to send a braless, shoeless player onto the field in order to beat the clock.
Play starts...good rally going on...always those players on the other team that think Jesus' second coming relies solely on THEIR performance on the field (and thusly dress the oh-so-professional part over their fat, old men guts!) And I was in my new fanFREAKINGtastic navy blue and white knee socks.
I'm playing my normal Right Field (que the instrumental of Right Field, by Peter, Paul, and Mary)and come to find out two of these professional city adult softball league players bat lefty...that means balls to me...YEAH!
Soooo, first ball comes out to me...I run like the wind at it, as its foul, but still POSSIBLY catchable...the guy playing center runs at a slightly sharper angle to be behind me in case I mess up horribly...
Now, I need to take a break and mention something. I live with my mom, and I love it. She's a great cook, she's fun, easy going, clean and generous. I try to help, but she never stops being the mom. Last night before the game, when I got home from work...she was just minutes away from putting halibut, roasted veggies, and my favorite...artichokes, on the table. I devoured that (need my energy for the game!). I guess it didn't cross my mind that artichokes have particular tendancy towards creating excess air in the lower digestive tract...
Onward and upward...I'm running for the ball, guy behind me to help...I swoop up the ball (off the ground, where the ball DID in fact, end up falling)and run to throw it...all the while little (BUT certainly audible) poofs of air are escaping from me. OH MY GOD! I'm tooting!! Pretty much crop dusting the crap out of this poor dude.
Fast forward to one of my hits. I get to first...then second...then third. Moving slow but forward....and then off to run home...running with all my might. I cross the line and again, dust the crops that this time consist of the ump...the catcher...and probably all the way up to the announcer.
Of course to me, this sounded like it should have been accompanied by a mushroom cloud and years of genetic deformation. Not sure if this was the amplification of embarrassment or a sad reality. Needless to say...as much as I will assert that girls don't fart...I had some fairly embarrassing something going on during last night's game - and unfortunately we still lost. Now had it provided additional defense, momentary paralysis of the other team, or jet propulsion of sorts, that rockets me around the bases...this would have been a different post.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

10 clue's that we're getting older...

Last night G and I went to Valley Fair. This is partially amazing because (clue 1) due to husbands, kids, work, and other such 'adultly' excuses we usually only go once around Christmas.
So far this year, we've been TWICE - pretty much best year ever! So we make (clue 2) appointments at the Benefits counter brow bar. Not to toot our own horns, but for a second visit you know your wit (aka loud shit talking) impressed the staff when they remember you 5 weeks later. Afterwards we try to go shopping, but figure we could be better inspired by some dinner and drinks. We end up (clue 3) in pretty much that same seats at the same bar in the same restaurant as each time that we've been.
After some wine and appetizer that (clue 4) we are both worrying about working off today, we head back up to the four stores we want to hit quick so we can (clue 5) get home at a reasonable time.
First store? Hot Topic. We used to love that place in high school. It UNDERSTOOD us, it SPOKE to our white, middle class rebelion like nothing (except Metallica and Jagermeister) ever had. Now I was walking in wearing (clue 6,7,& 8)a knit top, navy blue Ann Taylor cuffed slacks, and navy blue peep toe pumps...thank GOD I have a nose ring, or I would have never been let it at all!! But due to some liquid courage, we walked in like we owned "punk" and started going through shit and loving it! I got two shirts...one with the Playboy Bunny (kisses, Hef) and one that said, "You totally suck at life." See? I'm still funny in my old age.
I was looking too at the panties and got a little disturbed (clue 9) at the fact that there was something culturally alluring to female youth about have panties covered in pictures of razor blades, no pink, no contrasting cute polka dots or mysteriously poetic roses. I mean, I get the dark Angelina sexiness as much as the next person...but razor blades?! That's like the ghetto version of the dagger! Kind of how the paranormal is cool, schizophrenia isn't...you know? Whatever...maybe I just don't know anything anymore - but my first thought was (clue 10) what kind of message is THIS? Well, ultimately we got to the cash register (I probably could have pushed the clerk out of my own freaking uterus) and he asked if we had frequent shopper cards. I laughed, but nearly lost my shit when G did, in fact, have one. The funny part? The kid asked when it was from because he'd never seen that one...I guessed 1996....
(Bonus: Clue 11) G bought Jellies for her trip to Hawaii because they were so comfortable. When this isn't funny anymore we are really, REALLY old.
So I prescribe for myself some Matlock, a centrum silver, a good power walk, and 3-4 hours bitching about today's grocery store clerks.

Friday, July 18, 2008

AMC - Tell me you're kidding?!

So this morning as I was getting ready for work, I had Project X playing in the background (which I can't even really watch, because those poor monkeys look so sad...oh and Helen Hunt, no surprise, looks so confused). But I WAS watching when AMC (the American Movie Classics Channel) advertised that they would be airing 2 Weeks Notice tonight at 10p. I'm disappointed to say the least. This couldn't be more wrong. Besides the fact that the movie just all around sucks, it can't be considered a "classic" in any sense of the word. Its a fairly recent release (I'm guessing some Blockbusters still have it under "new releases"), was not recognized as anything special at ANY point, and only 1/2 of the main characters is even American! (ok I'm splitting hairs with a literal interpretation there...but come ON!)

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Best Children's Cartoon (current)

By far, the best current cartoon, intended for children is Fairly OddParents. This cartoon is on Nickleodeon morning/daytime cartoon that has so many adult and pop culture references that would soar over a kids head, that its hilarious to watch.
There are so many great lines and references it's hard to pinpoint one. But, as an example (and not the best or the funniest)...the babysitter Vikki falls for a guy named Ricky in one episode. Upon being removed from him (or him from her) for some reason, she screeches..."Ricky don't lose my number! You don't need to call Nobody else!!! Send it off in a letter...to YOURSELF!!!"

Monday, July 14, 2008

Wall-E: From My 2000-2001 Perspective

I finally saw Wall-E yesterday after TONS of peer pressure and a well written and RAVING account of the film by Mike Wood. I loved it...most people did. It was creative...most people agree. It addressed some good corporate, enviornmental, and health issues...that was clear. I can't write anything on that because its all been said (and like I mentioned, most eloquently by my baby cousin). However, while I was watching, my brain was instantly shot back to my year of "Womyn's Studies" at UCSB. I was essentially squeezing the major into 3 quarters, so I spent the year analyzing the role of the vagina in everything from Japanese Art History to Lifetime movies to Popular Texts to the Legal System and beyond. This movie jumped out at me as an easy A (even though I'm years out of that)...so here goes what I WOULD have written HAD I been assigned to...

Wall-E is a well done movie and a touching love story. Commentary on the direction of the enviornment, transgressions associated with corporate super stores, and the possible and probable effects of technology on health and good old fashioned human interaction are a very real warning, told with enough light energy so as to reach the masses. Over and above the wonderful animation and original ideas however, Wall-E almost seemlessly breaks down gender roles, adding a layer to the underlying public service of this film. Females and males, for the most part are clearly revealed in this film, Wall-E as the male, Eve as the female, and fairly clear genders among the humans on the ship. Where this film diverges is that unessesary differences and traditional roles have been all but negated without having gender issues thrown at the audience.
Our main character, Wall-E, is a sensitive, slightly flamboyant male character who becomes lost in the throws of love, stumbles clumsily into danger, and often requires rescuing. From the first scenes, we find that Wall-E collects trinkets to adorn his living quarters, where coincidently, he watches the musical "Hello Dolly" and mimics the dance moves. Eve on the other hand is aggressive, almost to a fault. She blasts anything that might be a threat and then swings her gun back into its virtual holster, John Wayne style.
Wall-E falls for Eve fairly quicky and seems to lose himself in the romance. He looks to Eve to fullfill his desire for a narrative much like the old movies, and when it comes down to it, he abandons his life and his purpose to be with her. Eve on the other hand is cautious and looks not to have her directive waylaid. She is independent, and despite her feelings, she follows her objective to pursue the logical line she began. Eve is all business and Wall-E is her hanger-on of sorts.
And the best part is somehow this is all done without coming across forced.
Once on the ship with all the humans, trouble strikes a number of times. Each time, it seems the Wall-E is stuck in a conundrum of some sort, and Eve sweeps in and wisks him away to protect him. Eve also saves Wall-E when he tries to stop a closing mechanism of some sort, and he is not strong enough. Eve comes out the heroic leader over and over, at no detriment to the love story.
Humans too, although made fat, stupid, and lacking in bone density by modern technology, are lacking in traditional roles for the most part. Weight is dispursed the same on all their bodies (don't we wish!). Their clothing, activities, and size do not distinguish them as male or female. When a relationship starts between two humans freed from the grips of their chairs, they seem equally shy and no one is much of the agressor. Also, the pictures of past captains are not all male. Again, making the point subtly but clearly none the less.
The excellent story telling in Wall-E was made more exceptional by the ability to not only portray love, fear, loss, lonliness and hope with very little actual speech but also very little gender stereotyping. Without a second thought, the viewer "gets" the whole story, is not confused about relationships or identities, but is not fed an array of archaic gender notions. Two thumbs up for Disney Pixar YET AGAIN:)

Ahhhh....now if I was only closer to my teens than my thirties, paid $350 in rent, and could run 10 miles a day, and see the ocean from my front door...I would be in college again:)

Friday, July 11, 2008

Red Flags

Ok, so its been a bit since I've posted a dating disaster...not that I'm not still compiling AMPLE data, but nothing has panned out to a complete story yet. So stay tuned, story at 11 (notice, I don't say 11 on which DATE!)
But this flux of dating experience (outside of this too tight circle that I feel I've whirlpooled in for a few years) has caused some discussions about "RED FLAGS." Ones I didn't notice (or did, but ignored), ones we've all seen, ones that at least one of us has experienced or heard at least a 3rd person account of. Some sound ridiculous, some too simple, but you all know these...(and this list is going to be edited as time goes by...)

1. He doesn't call you (see previous dating experience with "happy thumbs") but instead only texts or chats. Inherintly, there's nothing wrong with texting or chatting, but men are lazy. If he can't make it easier on both of you by picking up the phone to see about making plans or ask how your day was, something's up. He's either not single, lying about something that his voice would give away, or a total social reject.

2. He makes the majority of his money illegally. You'd think this was a given, but its surprising how many people who have perfectly good jobs take up side work in the "resale" or "retail" businesses. People are going to find out, you're going to be involved or at least affected...leave it alone. Oh, plus for some reason, this makes guys think they are all around hard asses, and therefore more likely to try to get away with being a "player."

3. Possibly a subcatergory of the above "flag," but men who don't pay their taxes. None of us like them, most of us benefit from them in some way at some time. They're just a fact of life for responsible adults. If he doesn't pay them he's neither responsible or an adult. Again, he's also a guy who thinks he can get away with things - but he won't. And most likely he'll marry you and get his name splashed across your assets moments before he gets caught.

4. Horrible family relationships. Obviously no one gets along with everyone all of the time, BUT I'm talking about those who have cut large portions of family out of their lives. Or really even small. Someone like that is going to be willing to cut anyone out of their lives...doesn't see the importance of family...and won't see the importance of a new family if you create one. Also, this tends to indicate a long line of angry DNA...or even worse, abuse, mental illness, etc. Avoid it.

5. None of your plans include going out in public. Either he's totally cheap, lazy as hell, will get in trouble if he's seen out with a girl, doesn't want to be seen with you, or is running from the law. Really, none of these make for quality relationships, so don't wait to find out which one it is. If he wants to impress you, which he will if he likes you...he will want to come up with something creative for you two to do.

6. He doesn't have any friends. This is like not getting along with your family. Friends are your history, your support, your social network. If there either isn't a soul he has found that can spend time with him, or there isn't a soul he sees fit to spend time with, then why would you want to hang out with him. More importantly, if you become his only friend...he will want ALL your time. He won't understand why you two need to go socialize with YOUR friends, and they probably won't get along anyways. 2 is the lonlinest number...

7. His best friend is a girl...and she's also his roomate, workmate, and his sister's best friend. He's taken...basically married. She won't ever like you, she'll be on half your dates, she'll be there when you guys have a fight, she'll be there when you guys wanna have sex, and she'll be judging constantly. Double extra big flag if she sleeps in his bed, does all his grocery shopping, and organizes his meds. And when you guys break up (after she has a heart to heart about how you've changed him, aka made him less available to him) she'll be there.

8. He doesn't want to have sex with you. This could say a million things about him...but its what a girl believes it says about them that is going to be the problem. This will convince you that you are a direct desendant of Quasimoto and will slowly break down your self-esteem. Its impossible to feel okay when a man in the relationship doesn't want to have sex...and whatever it is that lead to it, will most likely also lead to dumpage shortly...

9. He's a cat guy. Guys should like dogs. Guys should want something strong, loyal, sweet, and personality filled. Also, men are less clean and cats can cause the most diseased, rancid smelling situation without constant upkeep. This argument is poor, but with 100% certainty, every guy I've dated who had a cat was a COMPLETE mental case.

10. He can't make plans more than an hour in advance. Don't listen to his crap about being spontanous, etc. He's waiting for something better to come along, and you're not it. He can have 6 jobs, 3 kids, and single handedly feed a city of poor...he schedules this stuff, and can and WILL schedule you if you're worth it to him.

11. Extreme Mama's Boy. Defined as a guy who's mommy does the majority of his laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, bill paying, decorating, etc. You're never going to measure up. Look up the madonna/whore dichotomy if you don't believe me.

12. (addition) No girl wants to admit it, but nearly everyone has some experience with it, so I'll take one for the team.... He's Married. It should be a given. It IS a given, but these guys can be so sweet and charming, and seem to be so forelorn. Just remember there are two side to every story. No matter how cold, distance, naggy, and demanding his wife is...she has a side too. Part of which turns out that her husband is unfaithful. And despite being all those things, he is still with her and will still be with her most likely long after you're gone. Either because a)she's the only one he ever really wanted, or b) he makes the decision to stay in a miserable situation for one reason or another. Either way, he's a big boy, its his choice, and you aren't going to save hime.

So, if I dated you, Geneen dated/married you, or my hairdresser heard about you...thank you for showing us the light.
Also thank you to my contributors...Geneen, Kaitlyn, Liz, and Susan.