Thursday, September 11, 2008

How To Have a Garage Sale

Last weekend, G and I had what I would call quite the successful Garage Sale...not because we came away trafillionairs, and not because it was the peak of organization, BUT because I believe it will live on in infamy for years, if not generations, to come. Here's the recipe, but I'm sure it won't come out AS perfect without our special sauce;)
1. Refuse to throw away the most useless of crap WHILE accumulating more for roughly 30 years (results may vary with cooking time)
2. Throw all said "waste of prime real estate" into a room, toss well.
3. Advertise where white trash/"lower class" individuals
4. The night before, forgo organizing clothes, prepping set-up, checking supplies, or pricing items. Instead make 4 wacky neon signs with false promises, and get to a BevMo to ensure adequate beverages for the event. On the way home, reminisce over hip hop from high school and dance your heart out in an expedition with car seats in the back.
5. Wake up insanely early, run through traffic to hang previously mentioned obnoxious signs, and start setting up - make sure before any children/husbands are released, they must fend off at least one mentally ill early bird.
6. be at least 1/3 set up before buyers start arriving in this point, start drinking.
7. Continue Setting up, keep drinking.
8. Sell, keep drinking.
9. Get lunch, wash it down.
10. As things begin to slow down, lower the prices...and your field of vision with more drinking [Helpful Hint: Chamagne is not inappropriate at a garage sale if it is in a can]
11. Just short of heat stroke and dehydration, shlep 3 cars full of crap to the nearest Goodwill
12. Celebrate a job well done with a silly movie...and drinks.

Here's a list of DON'Ts:
1. Don't leave anything out/visible/unlocked. If you have tape, pens, chairs, tables, or 1/2 a beer out, some weirdo WILL try to buy it.
2. Don't pick what will inevitably prove to be one of the hottest weekends in CREATION during what has otherwise been a fairly mild summer.
3. Don't pass judgement about your mailman's mate (obviously an inside joke)
4. Don't put kid stuff within reach of kids...they will destroy your chance of getting $3 for that whatever-it-is.
5. Don't lay down in the WILL fall asleep, and people WILL still buy things from you...
6. Don't take a sleeping pill the night before to ensure "early to bed, early to rise"...just makes the drive that much blurrier.