The Late, Late Show featuring...ME.

So I have this new habit...not sleeping. I would have rather picked up a nasty crack habit or a permanent cold sore than this particular habit...but it's been hanging out. I don't function well on less than...oh, we'll say 6-8 hours of sleep. I'm trying to be calm about it...I'll sleep when I need to. Then organic...childbearing years, my body is MADE to miss out on sleep right now. Then humorous...which is where this post was born. Laughing with my mom about what exactly is keeping me awake. Mind you I am employed, childless, unmarried but in a sickeningly healthy and wonderful relationship, and living with my mom at very low rent for the time being. Yes - things will be changing soon...but my brain seems to lack the understanding that it does not need to be figured out between 10p and 5am on any particular night....So here's an excerpt of the main event (i.e. the conversation between me, myself and I) recently. Hopefully some people (and by people I mean neurotic, probably-female, overanalytical freaks like myself) will identify or at the very least find entertainment in this...

"Hey there me, what's up? It's dark in here, but that light on the cable box is sure bright...do you think it keeps us up? Nah, it's been there for a while...well, maybe we should google it- mental note: google 'little bright green lights and their affects on sleep' tomorrow...wait, tomorrow, what's planned for tomorrow? Nothing. That doesn't sound right- wait yes, nothing. Well shit, I better enjoy it- a couple more years and I'll never have a milisecond of free time again...what am I gonna do when I have kids? What if I never sleep again once I do? What if I never have a free second? How do you poop? Will I leave the burner on? God! I am going to burn my children alive!! Maybe I should rethink parenting...but stupid people parent all the time. Damn IT, why couldn't I just be stupid?! Mental note- google those stoves that get cold the second you take the pot off tomorrow....SHIT! How am I going to afford one of those? Wait, we need a house first...that bank is LYING that we can afford a mortgage, why would they do that? So stupid! Bet they would make great parents! Wait, we need to go to Hawaii before we become parents...I HATE flying, how are we going to afford Hawaii? Wait...first we need to get married, how will we afford that?! How will I fit into a dress?! Who cares, I can't afford a dress anyways...ooh, good thing "Say Yes to the Dress" is on this late...How late is it in Hawaii? Could we just fly my wedding dress over there? Why aren't I sleeping? Ok, no problem, clock says it's just 2am. God! I hate that clock...it's ugly, I'll change it when we move...fresh start. Unless the place we find has a mold problem, do you KNOW how much that could cost?! Wait. No. I have no idea...mental note: Google the cost of fixing a mold problem. Man, this is going to be COSTLY - I don't have the money for a mold problem! Wait...I don't have the HOUSE for a mold problem. Go to SLEEP! Or don't, shit...you probably would be better not going to sleep at all...wow, you need to do some yoga...lets google yoga classes tomorrow..."

That, by the way, is the excerpt from about 2:03:35am to 2:04:27am.

Random Thought of October 21, 2009

I really hope I don't die like Elvis.


However...(because it's impossible for me to just let a useless thought go) IF I did...I would PREFER that I went backwards instead of forward. If I were to go forward, there are so many possible unattractive things that my discoverer may see. Perhaps I would be hunched so as to make my tummy role up like a half deflated air matress and my chin population double. Perhaps I would fall completely forward, leaving my hiney hole presenting as the top and therefore most prominent feature. Backwards I would just look relaxed and reclined as if I was sleeping...with my tummy extended and flattened.

Then there's the lighting...flourescent lighting does NOTHING for me. Especially if my pants are around my ankles exposing my palest of parts. No. Thank. You. Maybe I'll start "using the facilities" in the dark, just to be on the safe side?

So there you have it...the thought process that occured in my little nogin during my last break at work.

Ode to Vinegar

One can easily google "uses for vinegar" and get numerous pages that give you 100 or 1000 or maybe more uses for vinegar. I am a HUGE fan - it's got so many uses and is much safer than it's chemical alternatives. There are a lot of things I haven't tried - like curing my hiccups (I don't get hiccups much), relieving my arthritis (I have none to relieve), or cleaning my milking equipment (no lactating bovines or women in my house). My roomate (otherwise known as MOM) detests the smell due to a barf-fest following a day of easter egg dying in her childhood - but she puts up with (and has even adopted) some of my favorite uses. Below is just one girl's celebration of this miracle liquid...

Bacteria, fungus, oil and mold-
You're a household secret so I'm told

Brighter, softer, cheaper laundry
Cuts the pee from a naughty pup.
Add some lemon for a better bleach,
Your smell disappears when it's all dried up.

Freshens fabric, carpet, and air -
Earth's own natural febreeze,
hiccups you are rumored the cure
all of these with the greatest of ease.

multipurpose like nothing you've seen
Glass, chrome, wood, and brick.
fresh coffee and tea pots
You can always do the trick.

Blush brushes, tooth brushes,
I use you as a reliable soak
You even help the human race's skin
for fruit stained or onion cutting folk.

And your apple cider friend,
to be completely fair -
can calm my tummy in a tea
or strip the yuckies from my hair.

So Vinegar, I thank you -
you're a tried and true aide.
and for 2 gallons of your help
$3 is all I paid:)


Ok, so I'm not a poet, but I really do love finding new uses for vinegar - almost every one I find removes another unidentifiable/unpronouncable chemical from my life.

Do the Jane Fonda

Not that you could tell from how fat America is - but exercise options are abound right now. Every week a new exercise fad comes to light as the exercise that WILL work. There's pilates (I bought the Windsor series...can't even find it now) which is gauranteed to change your life. Tae Bo and Cardio Kickboxing where replaced with Zumba and Hot Yoga. And, being the sucker that I am...I've tried them all...and each has it's benefits, burns calories, decreases stress, etc. But lately, I have gone retro in the exercise department and I'm loving it. First of all, I went back to the tried and true running. I stopped in college after an injury and must admit, it's hard on the body, but if you are smart about it and don't push your limits too much, it is one of the best energy/weightloss/sleep-aid/antidepressants I have ever encountered.
However, unlike a classic like running - I've recently added in Jazzercise as well. Yes, Jazzercise (which took me a while to even start admitting outloud). But, a little over a month into going twice a week, I am loving it. Except for slightly updated songs and outfits (on MOST of the patrons), it is the same Jane Fonda-looking, peppy dance routine activity that I recall my mom doing in my childhood. The age range in the classes is suprisingly diverse, and the workout incorprates high and low intensity cardio, stretching, and sculpting. Following routines and dancing around makes the time pass - and in 60 minutes I burn about 500 calories. I am more than a little tempted to build a retro workout wardrobe of sweatbands and leotards, but I have resisted so far. In my opinion just going, then working up to this admission is an accomplishment. That said, last night on Dancing with the Stars, Cheryl Burkes officially endorsed the Jazzercise program - so no need to hide those leg warmers anymore!

Complex Story of a Simple Soap

So if you have attemted to kick-off a journey to reduce toxins or become "green," you have undoubtedly heard the name "Dr. Bronner." Dr. Bronner is arguably the most recognized name in castile soap, namely Dr. Bronners 18-in-1 Magic Pure Castile Soap. This soap comes in anything from a bar to a vat of sorts, and in most mainstream stores is available only in Peppermint, for some reason that escapes me. It is marketed as everything from a concentrated shampoo, body soap, dish liquid, tooth paste, fruit wash, etc. It is also covered with a seemingly endless rant of religious and spiritual ideas in no particular organized fashion. I'm going to go ahead and give my official rating as great, but not magic.
First, this extremely reasonably priced (about $8 for 32 ounces) soap is often sold only in peppermint, although it is available online or in specialty stores in lavendar, unscented, almond and eucalyptus. I'm not a fan of the peppermint since I use it mainly as body soap and I don't like that cold feeling peppermint gives. As a body soap it's effective, as a shampoo it turned my hair into straw. It's a good addition to homemade household cleaners, but suds up a lot, so less is better. However, this does come in handy when using it to shave. I prefer the lavendar, but the almond has a good scent also.
I was originally concerned after I grabbed the bottle as reading material and made it a few lines into the relgious rambling, that perhaps the company behind this soap could be contributing to christian based causes and organizations, most of which support causes with which I take issue. However, after more research, this doesn't seem to be the case. Even the religious ramblings are diversified through the faiths.
The most interesting thing I found was that this Dr. Bronner fella has a VERY interesting story. He is from Nazi Germany, emigrated without his family to the U.S., spent time in a psych ward for his beliefs before starting his soap company, and has endorsed the use of vaseline and lemon juice as birth control. His story is truely an interesting read - and possible endeared the soap to me a little more.
So, in as much as this is an incomplete review, since my uses are limited...this soap is effective as a soap and cleaning agent, without charging the inflated prices of some of the more "gimmicky" eco-friendly soaps. It also lathers up well on a washcloth or sea sponge. One note, it does not leave behind a slimey "moisturized" feeling, so if you feel dry, a little grapeseed oil after the shower with solve it.

Hormones, Cash, and Greehouse Gas

Ok, I'm back from a too-long hiatus from spewing my opionions and ideas for...well, possibly no one. But now I'm back, in my 30's, and as useless-idea ridden as ever...
So speaking of my 30's, as they crept up, so did a renewed urge to "clean things up." (and suprisingly, I'm not referring to my obsession with the organizational process) I've done a lot of research, albeit casual, on the eco-friendly/organic/sustainable lifestyle. I find a lot of information, interesting at the least, compelling at best; and even the habits I honestly am not willing to commit to at this point, are very interesting. That said, I continue to have trouble finding easy, cost efficient, readily available products that meet standards in areas such as (1)maintaining basic hygiene, (2)not reaking of patchouli- btw, is that stuff derived directly from B.O. or what?!, and (3)allowing me to keep a certain standard of feeling girly, "done up," and pampered. So as I take this journey, as an aid to other and help to myself, I will be sharing some of my hit and misses.
I have 3 main concerns:
1) Hormones...they control EVERYTHING in your body...they are like little managers and the more chemicals you put into your system, the greater the chance that they will get confused and mess up some important projects; effective janitorial services, company morale, regular and efficient "hours of operation", raw material production and reproduction to name a few.
2.Cash - if I'm going to go poor trying to be healthy and planet-conscious, then it's not worth it to me. I'm aware that I have a limited life span and the planet won't be completely gonerooski by the time I'm gone. So future generations are important, but not worth hanging out in the poor house.
3.Greenhouse Gas - aka, the planet (yes, its one problem among many). But I think we can easily make some small changes, when multiplied by the population of a planet, could do some good.
So stay tuned:)

Cleaning up on the Gender Divide

So my dad has this friend that belongs to this snooty tooty gentlemen's club that lets women (only in wife form) in once a year. I pretend to be more offended by this than I really am, since as women, we have just learned to mention something men dislike, and we don't need to pay dues or make fake convincing arguments to be left to our own devises. Plus...I'm all for a little girl time...or a little guy time- they're different creatures and need to connect with those that understand them. The sexes tend to think differently, are conditioned to act pretty differently, and are drawn to different things. Yet, as is usually the case, marketing a-holes have inflated, twisted, and soiled a truth into total hogwash to benefit "the man" (ironic?), and the masses have fallen for it like smooth, scented, well coifed little sheep. Men's only beauty products...seriously?
I remember the first time I questioned this notion...Secret Deoderant. Strong enough for a man, but PH Balanced for a woman. Come to find out...there is not difference in the female versus the male PH! The ENTIRE advertising scheme for that deoderant is completely false...and has been for YEARRRRRRRRRRRS. Yet people not only accept it, but eat that &*(% up!!
Then came the Axe line of products. Starting with spray...acceptable since scents have classically been divided between the sexes. And from there, the phenom has exploded....no joke, the other day I saw a men's beauty product AISLE in the drugstore.
Perhaps this is a good thing...a sign of less division between men and women, but you gotta think that something is a little weird. Haven't men been using the same products (minus 12 billion or so) that us women have? Haven't our soaps and shampoos and lotions been good enough for them for decades? (Save for some bath and body works type products, but those are an extreme case). And I don't know about YOU, but I have never had a strong sense that a majority of the male population had clouds of femininity floating around them?!
So what's the deal? Is this a good thing or a bunch of marketing hype to fill our shelves and empty our pocket books?

Adventures in Dating: And the award goes to...

So I show up, and....wait...the 9 hours before. In the morning, I get my first text message from "Captain Intensity" saying "Good morning. Looking forward to tonight. See you at 6:30!" Sweet. Thoughtful token and plan confirmation - and no one likes efficiency more than me. I reply in the cool affirmative...and he replies something about texting on the freeway. Ooh, danger...how manly. He mentions that he will arrive by way of a driver...very ritzy sounding. However, I am aware that this could mean that he's maxed out the DUIs and his cousin is dropping him off. However, it also could be due to the rising offer of ammenities associated with downtown luxury apartment living. Then some discomfort ensues...he asks about my lunch plans...and seems to go on the defensive about the fact that they include male company (a married co-worker and my boss, also known as my dad). Then two more mentions of excitement about the upcoming festivities, along with some other random comments, totaling 15 (that's FIFTEEN) texts in the 9 hours before our first date. In my opinion, that's overkill - but could, in some alternate reality, be an acceptable mistake. And everyone makes mistakes.

Back to showing up...what later would be the biggest mistake of 2009 thus far. He was there, which is a good sign. I don't like being first. He gives me a weak hug - forgivable. We sit at a couch and talk for a moment and then move to the bar to be better served. I order a glass of merlot, and he orders a beer and a shot of top shelf vodka. Strange choice of "socializing" drink, but he says he hard a hard day at work...and who am I to judge? So work has come up...I ask about this hard day, and he says I will NEVER hear him talk about his work, he loves it but its stressful. (worth noting...he's not a cop, surgeon, or bomb disarmer...he does sales) After such a strong statement...he spends 30 minutes talking about his job...his boss, specifics about his clients, specific examples of situation where he swept in to save the day, and specifics about money. He also says he never swears or drinks, followed by an onslaught of beers plus shots and increasing amounts of F-bombs, B-bombs, and S-bombs...maybe be meant the OTHER bad words? He was already obviously very proud of himself.

So the captain continues ordering beers with a side shot of vodka. We also ordered crab cakes...came with two. I apparently ate the first 1/5 of mine far too slowly without showing my hunger sufficiently, because he swooped in after the rest of it. Oh well, give me another glass of wine. Especially since he has a piece of paper with a list of questions and he refuses to ask me any of them until I've had "enough" wine to answer honestly (yeah...dude REALLY didn't know me)

If you think this explanation is long, I would say you should have been on the date...but I wouldn't wish that on a serial murdere on death row. So the interview went through some very interesting discussions...

Child rearing philosophies: He believes children should not be given any choices until age ten. Has he ever been around a child? I don't have them, but I know quite a few...short of letting them run the world, children learn independence, control and some serious skills from having and making choices. When asking for a second date, he mentioned that it was DESPITE my theories on this.

Women's "Real Age": he believes all women are really 8 year old girls on the inside and can't be held responsible for their actions and decisions. Therefore he forgives everything women do. Oh that is except that his wife of 11 years couldn't have children. And whatever the women who he walked away from on dates and texted them, "I don't like how you presented yourself" like its some sort of sales call. He's had TONS of blond, beautiful, trophy girls but he wants more. (Oooh, you can get the hot stupid chicks...and you STILL think they're not good enough for you)

Women's place in HIS relationships: Support him and push him to earn more money, while being wildly successful themselves...staying very attractive, not "presenting" themselves poorly, maintain their own lives, and bearing and raising children, choice free of course.

Maintaining their own lives: His women should have their own interests and lives but want to make memories and travel with him on weekends. Friends should not be of the oppostie sex. If his friends want to do something he will ask his girl, if she doesn't want to go, he will stay with her and only go out alone with his friends if she's going to do the same. I felt smothered just hearing the story.

Sex: he didn't do that until he was in a committed relationship. YET once he was, he was a freak. Too much information already? Not for him...he likes to frequent sex clubs, but doesn't want to trade partners, he just likes being watched and having everyone seemingly as impressed with himself as he is with himself. He has a membership to an "elite" nudist colony in Palm Springs. He loves the idea of going to a topless pool in Vegas, but just to see his girlfriend be topless...(can't imagine why the living room setting isn't good enough for that). However, he hates strip clubs. Finds them disgusting.

Money: He makes over $200k, but he must admit to me that he pays alimony (actually he doesn't. Its a first date...maybe our last names will come up...after that, it can wait). His friends call him the richest person they know (not impressed since the new assumption is that these freinds are obviously invisible), but he doesn't care of stuff...ahem, my ass?! He could pay my debt with one bonus. I would rather pull $300 a month for 18 years out of the far reachest of my asshole...thank you.

The best part? The two girls next to us and my hairdresser. At one point he mentioned how familiar he was with Victorias Secret and in combination with my recent relationship past, I asked if he was gay. He not only said no...but was offended, and in his Nordy's shirt and Nordy's pants explained that he has had to tone down all his masculinity. Oh puleeeeze! So he turns to the girls next to us and said, "do I seem gay?" and we start chatting with them - they discover its a first date and start asking some more questions. I feel as though I've floated upon a bouy in the middle of a tsunami. But he tells me that he started talking to them as a test to see if I could handle it. Hmmm, why don't you leave altogether and I'll "handle it" with these girls all night? I don't need to be tested...even though it saved me. These girls were checking out the bartender for me. Then I hear my name from behind. Its my hairdresser and since I don't care how I "present" myself at this point...I grab her, run into the bathroom and drop to the floor. We laugh at what I'm dealing with...she gets me some toilet paper, and I return out to the bar to suck down water and be able to leave.

At leaving time a few more interesting things. I offer (as I always do) to help out when the bill comes. And the guy who makes so much money shrugs and says "ok." Come again? Ok? I had 3, $8 glasses of wine and 1/10th of the crabcake order out of our $150 check and he let me put my card down. He did hand me some cash, but regardless - it was offensive. He offered to get me a driver - at which point I discovered his "drivers" were taxis. Yet they all know him and respond to him at hyperspeed, making them his "drivers." However, I have been drinking water for an hour, so I'm fine to drive and we walk toward the car. He asks how much I weigh...I laugh. Has he never met a woman or did he eat a big bowl of crazy for lunch? I say that's none of his business, agree to antoher date (which will NEVER happen) and he makes me solemnly promise that I will drive safe (hold the cheese - it give me the runs).

Again, I take off from Santana Row...deja vu from DoJo man...like a bat out of dating hell. I have spent the last 48 hours vowing never to date again. I have come up with how I can decorate my future home because it will NOT hold a man in it...and I am currently shopping colorful afghans, a good mix of 26 cats, and a doily covered pink Lay-z-Boy from which to carry out my final days watching Food Network and Lifetime movies.

Good-bye 2008, Hello 2009!

2008 seriously and totally objectively sucked. I know for the country, it was landmark, with the election of Obama and such, but in my world, it pretty much blew goats. There were too many deaths, and despite the fact that death is natural...these were all, in my opinion, untimely, drawn out, and/or tragic. My grandfather...though drawn out, was the only one that came as a sort of a relief. And dating...well, I should have just stuck with death. There was an influx of less than worthy men that STILL went for the just friends/not sure I want anything now, despite the fact we met on a DATING SITE/disappearing act route. However, not even that has the effect that first finding out someone who has repeatedly reassured you that you are they woman they want to marry and that they want only you, is dating...and sleeping with...other people, women AND men. And along with those, and all the little stupid things that seem to rain down on me, I ended the year with what was pretty much the ugliest mystery reaction on the planet and 6 weeks of steriods that boosted my appetite just enough to make all the new clothes that I spent the year working to fit into, became tight and a lot less cute.
Regardless...I'm jazzed about 2009...like lamely jazzed (hence the use of the lamest word in the book - jazzed). I woke up feeling great on the first day of the year. Like the clock hands hit midnight and flipped off the clock to turn over a new leaf for ME. I don't necessarily have any specific resolutions, I just plan on enjoying
my life a little more...going out more, seeing movies, starting out days on a good foot, using nutrition and exercises as means to further my happiness in a number of ways, and trying a few new things. I'm SO looking forward to turning 30, as I've bought into Colleen's theory that 29 sucks so hard so that people (meaning women won't lose their shit over turning 30. So, welcome 2009...I have high hopes for you...don't let me down!:)