Adventures in Dating: And the award goes to...

So I show up, and....wait...the 9 hours before. In the morning, I get my first text message from "Captain Intensity" saying "Good morning. Looking forward to tonight. See you at 6:30!" Sweet. Thoughtful token and plan confirmation - and no one likes efficiency more than me. I reply in the cool affirmative...and he replies something about texting on the freeway. Ooh, danger...how manly. He mentions that he will arrive by way of a driver...very ritzy sounding. However, I am aware that this could mean that he's maxed out the DUIs and his cousin is dropping him off. However, it also could be due to the rising offer of ammenities associated with downtown luxury apartment living. Then some discomfort ensues...he asks about my lunch plans...and seems to go on the defensive about the fact that they include male company (a married co-worker and my boss, also known as my dad). Then two more mentions of excitement about the upcoming festivities, along with some other random comments, totaling 15 (that's FIFTEEN) texts in the 9 hours before our first date. In my opinion, that's overkill - but could, in some alternate reality, be an acceptable mistake. And everyone makes mistakes.

Back to showing up...what later would be the biggest mistake of 2009 thus far. He was there, which is a good sign. I don't like being first. He gives me a weak hug - forgivable. We sit at a couch and talk for a moment and then move to the bar to be better served. I order a glass of merlot, and he orders a beer and a shot of top shelf vodka. Strange choice of "socializing" drink, but he says he hard a hard day at work...and who am I to judge? So work has come up...I ask about this hard day, and he says I will NEVER hear him talk about his work, he loves it but its stressful. (worth noting...he's not a cop, surgeon, or bomb disarmer...he does sales) After such a strong statement...he spends 30 minutes talking about his job...his boss, specifics about his clients, specific examples of situation where he swept in to save the day, and specifics about money. He also says he never swears or drinks, followed by an onslaught of beers plus shots and increasing amounts of F-bombs, B-bombs, and S-bombs...maybe be meant the OTHER bad words? He was already obviously very proud of himself.

So the captain continues ordering beers with a side shot of vodka. We also ordered crab cakes...came with two. I apparently ate the first 1/5 of mine far too slowly without showing my hunger sufficiently, because he swooped in after the rest of it. Oh well, give me another glass of wine. Especially since he has a piece of paper with a list of questions and he refuses to ask me any of them until I've had "enough" wine to answer honestly (yeah...dude REALLY didn't know me)

If you think this explanation is long, I would say you should have been on the date...but I wouldn't wish that on a serial murdere on death row. So the interview went through some very interesting discussions...

Child rearing philosophies: He believes children should not be given any choices until age ten. Has he ever been around a child? I don't have them, but I know quite a few...short of letting them run the world, children learn independence, control and some serious skills from having and making choices. When asking for a second date, he mentioned that it was DESPITE my theories on this.

Women's "Real Age": he believes all women are really 8 year old girls on the inside and can't be held responsible for their actions and decisions. Therefore he forgives everything women do. Oh that is except that his wife of 11 years couldn't have children. And whatever the women who he walked away from on dates and texted them, "I don't like how you presented yourself" like its some sort of sales call. He's had TONS of blond, beautiful, trophy girls but he wants more. (Oooh, you can get the hot stupid chicks...and you STILL think they're not good enough for you)

Women's place in HIS relationships: Support him and push him to earn more money, while being wildly successful themselves...staying very attractive, not "presenting" themselves poorly, maintain their own lives, and bearing and raising children, choice free of course.

Maintaining their own lives: His women should have their own interests and lives but want to make memories and travel with him on weekends. Friends should not be of the oppostie sex. If his friends want to do something he will ask his girl, if she doesn't want to go, he will stay with her and only go out alone with his friends if she's going to do the same. I felt smothered just hearing the story.

Sex: he didn't do that until he was in a committed relationship. YET once he was, he was a freak. Too much information already? Not for him...he likes to frequent sex clubs, but doesn't want to trade partners, he just likes being watched and having everyone seemingly as impressed with himself as he is with himself. He has a membership to an "elite" nudist colony in Palm Springs. He loves the idea of going to a topless pool in Vegas, but just to see his girlfriend be topless...(can't imagine why the living room setting isn't good enough for that). However, he hates strip clubs. Finds them disgusting.

Money: He makes over $200k, but he must admit to me that he pays alimony (actually he doesn't. Its a first date...maybe our last names will come up...after that, it can wait). His friends call him the richest person they know (not impressed since the new assumption is that these freinds are obviously invisible), but he doesn't care of stuff...ahem, my ass?! He could pay my debt with one bonus. I would rather pull $300 a month for 18 years out of the far reachest of my asshole...thank you.

The best part? The two girls next to us and my hairdresser. At one point he mentioned how familiar he was with Victorias Secret and in combination with my recent relationship past, I asked if he was gay. He not only said no...but was offended, and in his Nordy's shirt and Nordy's pants explained that he has had to tone down all his masculinity. Oh puleeeeze! So he turns to the girls next to us and said, "do I seem gay?" and we start chatting with them - they discover its a first date and start asking some more questions. I feel as though I've floated upon a bouy in the middle of a tsunami. But he tells me that he started talking to them as a test to see if I could handle it. Hmmm, why don't you leave altogether and I'll "handle it" with these girls all night? I don't need to be tested...even though it saved me. These girls were checking out the bartender for me. Then I hear my name from behind. Its my hairdresser and since I don't care how I "present" myself at this point...I grab her, run into the bathroom and drop to the floor. We laugh at what I'm dealing with...she gets me some toilet paper, and I return out to the bar to suck down water and be able to leave.

At leaving time a few more interesting things. I offer (as I always do) to help out when the bill comes. And the guy who makes so much money shrugs and says "ok." Come again? Ok? I had 3, $8 glasses of wine and 1/10th of the crabcake order out of our $150 check and he let me put my card down. He did hand me some cash, but regardless - it was offensive. He offered to get me a driver - at which point I discovered his "drivers" were taxis. Yet they all know him and respond to him at hyperspeed, making them his "drivers." However, I have been drinking water for an hour, so I'm fine to drive and we walk toward the car. He asks how much I weigh...I laugh. Has he never met a woman or did he eat a big bowl of crazy for lunch? I say that's none of his business, agree to antoher date (which will NEVER happen) and he makes me solemnly promise that I will drive safe (hold the cheese - it give me the runs).

Again, I take off from Santana Row...deja vu from DoJo man...like a bat out of dating hell. I have spent the last 48 hours vowing never to date again. I have come up with how I can decorate my future home because it will NOT hold a man in it...and I am currently shopping colorful afghans, a good mix of 26 cats, and a doily covered pink Lay-z-Boy from which to carry out my final days watching Food Network and Lifetime movies.