Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Late, Late Show featuring...ME.

So I have this new habit...not sleeping. I would have rather picked up a nasty crack habit or a permanent cold sore than this particular habit...but it's been hanging out. I don't function well on less than...oh, we'll say 6-8 hours of sleep. I'm trying to be calm about it...I'll sleep when I need to. Then organic...childbearing years, my body is MADE to miss out on sleep right now. Then humorous...which is where this post was born. Laughing with my mom about what exactly is keeping me awake. Mind you I am employed, childless, unmarried but in a sickeningly healthy and wonderful relationship, and living with my mom at very low rent for the time being. Yes - things will be changing soon...but my brain seems to lack the understanding that it does not need to be figured out between 10p and 5am on any particular night....So here's an excerpt of the main event (i.e. the conversation between me, myself and I) recently. Hopefully some people (and by people I mean neurotic, probably-female, overanalytical freaks like myself) will identify or at the very least find entertainment in this...

"Hey there me, what's up? It's dark in here, but that light on the cable box is sure you think it keeps us up? Nah, it's been there for a while...well, maybe we should google it- mental note: google 'little bright green lights and their affects on sleep' tomorrow...wait, tomorrow, what's planned for tomorrow? Nothing. That doesn't sound right- wait yes, nothing. Well shit, I better enjoy it- a couple more years and I'll never have a milisecond of free time again...what am I gonna do when I have kids? What if I never sleep again once I do? What if I never have a free second? How do you poop? Will I leave the burner on? God! I am going to burn my children alive!! Maybe I should rethink parenting...but stupid people parent all the time. Damn IT, why couldn't I just be stupid?! Mental note- google those stoves that get cold the second you take the pot off tomorrow....SHIT! How am I going to afford one of those? Wait, we need a house first...that bank is LYING that we can afford a mortgage, why would they do that? So stupid! Bet they would make great parents! Wait, we need to go to Hawaii before we become parents...I HATE flying, how are we going to afford Hawaii? Wait...first we need to get married, how will we afford that?! How will I fit into a dress?! Who cares, I can't afford a dress anyways...ooh, good thing "Say Yes to the Dress" is on this late...How late is it in Hawaii? Could we just fly my wedding dress over there? Why aren't I sleeping? Ok, no problem, clock says it's just 2am. God! I hate that's ugly, I'll change it when we move...fresh start. Unless the place we find has a mold problem, do you KNOW how much that could cost?! Wait. No. I have no idea...mental note: Google the cost of fixing a mold problem. Man, this is going to be COSTLY - I don't have the money for a mold problem! Wait...I don't have the HOUSE for a mold problem. Go to SLEEP! Or don't, probably would be better not going to sleep at, you need to do some yoga...lets google yoga classes tomorrow..."

That, by the way, is the excerpt from about 2:03:35am to 2:04:27am.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Random Thought of October 21, 2009

I really hope I don't die like Elvis.

However...(because it's impossible for me to just let a useless thought go) IF I did...I would PREFER that I went backwards instead of forward. If I were to go forward, there are so many possible unattractive things that my discoverer may see. Perhaps I would be hunched so as to make my tummy role up like a half deflated air matress and my chin population double. Perhaps I would fall completely forward, leaving my hiney hole presenting as the top and therefore most prominent feature. Backwards I would just look relaxed and reclined as if I was sleeping...with my tummy extended and flattened.

Then there's the lighting...flourescent lighting does NOTHING for me. Especially if my pants are around my ankles exposing my palest of parts. No. Thank. You. Maybe I'll start "using the facilities" in the dark, just to be on the safe side?

So there you have it...the thought process that occured in my little nogin during my last break at work.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Ode to Vinegar

One can easily google "uses for vinegar" and get numerous pages that give you 100 or 1000 or maybe more uses for vinegar. I am a HUGE fan - it's got so many uses and is much safer than it's chemical alternatives. There are a lot of things I haven't tried - like curing my hiccups (I don't get hiccups much), relieving my arthritis (I have none to relieve), or cleaning my milking equipment (no lactating bovines or women in my house). My roomate (otherwise known as MOM) detests the smell due to a barf-fest following a day of easter egg dying in her childhood - but she puts up with (and has even adopted) some of my favorite uses. Below is just one girl's celebration of this miracle liquid...

Bacteria, fungus, oil and mold-
You're a household secret so I'm told

Brighter, softer, cheaper laundry
Cuts the pee from a naughty pup.
Add some lemon for a better bleach,
Your smell disappears when it's all dried up.

Freshens fabric, carpet, and air -
Earth's own natural febreeze,
hiccups you are rumored the cure
all of these with the greatest of ease.

multipurpose like nothing you've seen
Glass, chrome, wood, and brick.
fresh coffee and tea pots
You can always do the trick.

Blush brushes, tooth brushes,
I use you as a reliable soak
You even help the human race's skin
for fruit stained or onion cutting folk.

And your apple cider friend,
to be completely fair -
can calm my tummy in a tea
or strip the yuckies from my hair.

So Vinegar, I thank you -
you're a tried and true aide.
and for 2 gallons of your help
$3 is all I paid:)

Ok, so I'm not a poet, but I really do love finding new uses for vinegar - almost every one I find removes another unidentifiable/unpronouncable chemical from my life.